Open Sesame

I took this past Friday off and went with the kids to Sesame Place... which, to be perfectly honest, I was dreading. I hate to sound like a bad parent, but the thought of spending a day chasing the kids around a hot-ass water park filled with six foot tall Elmos makes my stomach turn a bit. There wasn't any way to get out of it though, so I tried to make the best of it - and believe it or not, I actually had a pretty good time. We got there early, and were the first in line waiting for the park to open. As we stood in front of the gate looking into the pristine kid-less park with its beautifully sculpted gardens and brightly colored character statues, we were caught in a little blizzard of white fluffy buds from some sort of tree. I have to tell you, it was beautiful. Lovely summer day, manicured park in front of us, and we were enveloped in a sort of Disney-esque snowstorm.

All in all, a great day - the first thing Sam and I went on was the roller coaster, which was a lot faster than other roller coasters he has been on. I thought it was pretty cool, but when I watched the "See Yourself On The Ride!" movie after we got off the look on his face was sheer terror... and we both decided to try something a little tamer. After that, it was all good... everything we went on was so cool he wanted to do it again, and I had to drag him to the next thing. Lily got to see Elmo do a live 'Elmo's World' show - and even though she is a little past the Elmo phase, his shows are like the Red Hot Chili Peppers... the albums are good, but live, he's fucking fantastic. The only bump in the day was when Sam stepped on a huge thumbtack-like thing in a food line, and it went right through his Crocs and into his foot. Luckily, I've had him on a Rambo-esque toughening regiment, and with a little side trip to the first aid station all was well. The rest of the day was punctuated by funny little moments - like the look of sheer unadulterated excitement, wide eyes and massive grin, as Lily spun around on the teacup ride... and Sam saying more than once "This is going to be soooo cool. I am so (dramatic pause) excited".

The other bright spot in the weekend was buying a new grill... I have two at the moment, but the oldest one, which our wonderful friends got us for our engagement party about ten years ago, finally bit the dust. By the time it crapped out, the only original part left on it was the body and cover, and all of the innards had been replaced more than once. It could have been saved again, but I saw a really good deal on an enormous commercial grill, and I just couldn't resist the chance to get a grill that is 116,000 BTUs and is long enough to actually cook me on... if someone had the wherewithall to actually put me on a spit... which might not be a bad way to go... I'm pretty tender. Anyway, to illustrate how happy I am with my new found grill superiority, I've made a list in the tradition of "My dick is so big..." jokes... so without further ado, for your viewing pleasure, my top 50 "my grill is so big..." jokes.

1. My grill is so big we had a drinking contest and I woke up next to an empty bottle of whiskey with the word “rare” seared into my forehead.
2. My grill is so big it’s working with Ruben Studdard on a new clothing line for grills.
3. My grill is so big when I want to make lunch I have to have my agent call my grill’s agent.
4. My grill is so big the amount of heat required to raise the temperature of one pound of water by one degree Fahrenheit is now referred to as My Grill Thermal Unit (MGTU).
5. My grill is so big Al Gore is making a new movie called An Inconvenient Grill
6. My grill is so big that Trojans now come in three sizes – Regular, Magnum and My Grill.
7. My grill is so big it made a sex tape with Paris Hilton.
8. My grill is so big it doesn’t return my calls.
9. My grill is so big it has an unpaid intern.
10. My grill is so big it started a nonprofit with Bono called “Burgers for Darfur”.
11. My grill is so big it is on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars”. Its partner is Kim Fields.
12. My grill is so big it got its own little square on the Periodic Table next to Actinium named Mygrillimonium (My).
13. My grill is so big it bought a dog.
14. My grill is so big it was in Heidi Fleiss’ little black book. Its code name was Steve Propane-o.
15. My grill is so big it has its own grill, which it modified to use natural gas and attached to my house.
16. My grill is so big it had an affair with my neighbor’s wife, and he forgave her because my grill was on her “Celebrity Sex List”. The other four were Johnny Depp, Don Cheadle, Mark Wahlberg, and the ‘time to make the donuts’ guy.
17. My grill is so big it’s a Scientologist.
18. My grill is so big it has a MySpace page.
19. My grill is so big it gets junk mail.
20. My grill is so big it was recently reclassified as a ‘dwarf planet’.
21. My grill is so big Lily started calling it ‘dad’.
22. My grill is so big it’s only allowed to fight other grills in Nevada and certain parts of West Virginia.
23. My grill is so big Oprah’s dad is writing a book about it, and when my grill found out it was surprised, and a little bit hurt.
24. My grill is so big it’s filling in for Rosie on ‘The View’.
25. My grill is so big that when it goes to Germany, David Hasselhoff opens up for it.
26. My grill is so big it writes dark poetry for teenage girls, reads it at our coffee house, and they think it’s sensitive (and kinda cute!).
27. My grill is so big it doesn’t get carded.
28. My grill is so big it teaches a scrapbooking class.
29. My grill is so big when it breaks a Craftsman tool it doesn’t even bother with the lifetime warranty, it just throws it out and gets a new one.
30. My grill is so big Florida had to measure it twice.
31. My grill is so big there was a ‘Behind The Music’ film crew in my back yard.
32. My grill is so big it has a moon.
33. My grill is so big it cooked the Mastodon ribs for the opening credits of ‘The Flintstones’.
34. My grill is so big it is starring as Captain Georg von Trapp in the new Broadway production of ‘The Sound of Music’.
35. My grill is so big it employs a full time Fluffer.
36. My grill is so big when they went hunting it shot Dick Cheney in the face.
37. My grill is so big Michael Moore is making a new film called Fahrenheit 425.
38. My grill is so big Marlaina gets tickets to every show.
39. My grill is so big it summers in the Hamptons.
40. My grill is so big George Foreman renamed his sons Mygrill Forman, Mygrill Forman, Mygrill Forman, Mygrill Forman, and Mygrill Forman.
41. My grill is so big it does the crossword in ink.
42. My grill is so big that my smoker is its bitch.
43. My grill is so big it wrote a scathing critique of Finnegans Wake, summing it up as a 600 page crossword puzzle clue whose answer is simply, “my grill”.
44. My grill is so big it has a uvula.
45. My grill is so big it wins the Post’s ‘Style Invitational’ more often than Chuck Smith, Woodbridge.
46. My grill is so big it has a foyer.
47. My grill is so big John Holmes had a picture of my grill hanging in his dressing room.
48. My grill is so big it works in the waste management industry, and does some work with the unions...
49. My grill is so big it’s starring in the new Discovery Channel series “My Grill vs. Wild”.
50. My grill is so big it wrote most of these ‘My Grill’ jokes without me.