Team Raspberry

We went to Washington this summer and met up with my parents, my sisters and their families, so there was a big flock of us invading the Pacific Northwest. We were in Seattle for the first couple of days, and if you haven't been, you really should. There are San Franciso-ish hills everywhere, though, which make my kids constantly mutter in the background "can't we drive?", make the native's calves look like gigantic sinewy drumsticks, and force the overweight tourists to settle into the lowest points of the city. (To be honest, I found myself in a mass of tourists on Alaskan Way who were exhausted and trapped at the bottom of a hill... I completely sympathized with their predicament, and only decided to move on when they began to discuss forming their own government and permanently settling there so they wouldn't have to climb back up into the heart of the city) But it's an amazing place... beautiful, vibrant, caffeinated, and the constant winter rain seems to have weeded out all of the people who are high maintenance, which is awesome.
Oh, and they throw fish. I know this is a touristy thing to watch, and Seattle residents who've seen enough airborne sea life to last a lifetime shop at other places, but I find it relaxing. Matter of fact, if I had the money I would buy a nice comfy lawn chair, sit in the back yard all day, and pay people to toss fish back and forth. I don't even think I would need cocktails, just the gentle breeze and slapping sound of haddock being tossed back and forth would be enough to lull me into a peaceful afternoon slumber.
In the middle of the week we went to stay at La Push for a few days, and since its such a long drive out, made some cool stops along the way - some scenic overlooks, a little fishing/lumber town, and best of all, a raspberry and lavender farm.
And best of all, a raspberry and lavender farm. I'll pause to let that sink in.

"But Joe, how can that be?" you might ask. You know what? I don't know, it just is. There is something about standing next to a wheat field, sun-warmed raspberry that didn't make it into the bucket in my mouth, with a subtle hint of lavender in the air that is pure, unadulterated decadence.
La Push was amazing too... once I got past the temperature of the sea, which the Quileute Tribe actually measures in kelvin. The first day we wandered from our cabin all the way down the beach to the first jetty, and next to an abandoned fire pit someone had written "La Push - discovering solitude" in ash on a tree trunk that had washed up on shore. It was goofy, I'll admit, and I'm sure would make perfect sense when you're stoned - but it was close enough to right that I just let it sink in. It's the sort of place that man makes sacred.
And there were cousins, which was great, because when they're together it seems like they have a plan - some sort of unspoken, fluid hierarchy that keeps them happily moving from one project to the next. Oh, and they exhaust each other, and any day that makes you sleep like the dead when it's over is a good one.
Back in Seattle at the end of the week, I caught something and felt absolutely awful. It's been a long time since I've been sick with anything, and I almost forgot how crappy it is. Aside from the painful congested sinus, ear popping flight home though, I wouldn't have changed much about the trip... It's funny, I forget how different we all are, and how much we're the same.
Ah, shit, that's what I should have written in ash on that tree trunk...

then I go out and paint the stars

Father's Day was a perfect day to get wet, so I had a great breakfast courtesy of Sara and the kids, and got ready. Lily had been asking to go for the past few days, and thankfully the weather was good, because I couldn't get it out of my head. I woke up thinking about the walk, thinking about what was going to go in my pockets and where we should leave the path. I pulled a pack from the attic, ready with a folding saw, some half rope and a knife - I put water and kids in the car, and we were off. It isn't a hard walk, and if you go slow enough won't even break a sweat. But by the time we got to the white 21 trail marker the sound of traffic was long gone and we went down the bank and into the river. I haven't been since the fall, and all the winter rain and downed trees changed the path of the water in parts - since we're far off the trail, there are places that look brand new even though I've been through this stream dozens of times. As we go up the hill the river becomes more familiar when the ground changes from dirt to river rock, tumbled granite and mica. This is the best place to find salamanders and crayfish, if you're taking notes, and we always get hung up building dams and wrestling creatures out from between the crevices.
After an hour or so, the polished rocks give way to pages of grey slate, that make the ground look like someone left a great iron book open under the earth, and the water that is a gentle tumble further down the hill splashes and chirps around the jagged rocks... this is my favorite part. I'm always worried that the kids will fall here, and tear their knees open on one of the sharp edges, but since there aren't any places to look for animals along the solid river floor, they tend to be a bit more focused. There are yellow birch and sassafras trees growing along the bank all along these slate twists of the stream, and the roots that can't penetrate the rock stretch out in red tendrils into the water, like the sea urchins we've seen with Jeanne and Julie on the Pacific shore.


We pass by bridges, groundhogs, and deer bones washed white by sun and stream... and climb out of the water three hours later with wrinkled toes and dirty fingernails to make our way back to the car.  Back on solid ground the walk back is quicker, and chipmunks dash out of our way on the path into the tall grasses and Serviceberry tangles. All I can think to myself is that I can't imagine a better place to be, and just like every other day we're in these woods, I have to fight back the urge to get feet-wet, and start all over again.

Miranda in the Storm

A friend of mine asked me a while back if Lily would like to be in a fashion show. If you know Lily (even if you've only met her once) it's sort of a stupid question. I said yes, of course she would, before I even asked Lily. I asked her when I got home though - she said yes before I even finished the question... and I backed away from her a little bit, because she looked so excited I didn't know if her tiny seven year old self would be able to contain that much emotion, and I was afraid she might involuntarily punch me in the face or throw up or something.

If I've learned anything as a parent, it's that the desire to do something and the ability to do something are two completely different things. I was happy that she wanted to do it, but since she was committed, I was worried she would see the crowd and freeze up... especially since she was going to be the youngest person in the show. We had someone come to the house to take her measurements, and she was fine, but that was easy. Next came the walking part... we had to rehearse. A couple of days before the show, we met up with my friend who was coordinating the show, and got onto the runway. Runway? Catwalk? Why do both of those sound wrong...

Turns out, it was a little more complicated than we thought. There was a back lit white curtain at the top of the runway so she could hold a pose so her silhouette would be the backdrop for the runway until it was her turn... then she had to walk, pose halfway, go to the right front, pose, the left front and pose, back to the middle and pose, and walk off behind the curtain. I did it first, to show her how to do it. I looked fabulous.

After a couple of tries she got it down - not too fast, stop at all the right points, smile, etc. She was on fire. We had two days of 'on fire' though, because it's all she talked to me about. All. She. Talked. About. On the day of the show, we dashed around a bit - the kids were at school, we worked - and I darted home to get her off the bus so she could start getting ready. We drove over, and when we went in to the prep room she was pulsing with energy. There were hair and makeup stations, a place to get changed, and most notably, dozens of high school girls chattering and putting on makeup. Thank god she slipped right into line to get her makeup done without asking me to stay with her, because the high pitched fashion show dressing room chatter was as pleasant as having someone draw spinal fluid while you're jogging, and I desperately needed to get out of there. It took about an hour to do all of the prep, take pictures of all the dresses, and do a final run through before the show - and she kept scooting from one place to the next behind the older girls while I watched from the safety of a nearby table.

Even though she was following the crowd, I was a bit nervous underneath it all... I half expected her to get on the stage and freeze up, to get hit by the spotlights, see the crowd, and lose her shit... but it was a little late for all of that. She was dressed and ready, and there wasn't a heck of a lot I could do about it, so we went on the floor and grabbed a spot by the runway.

The lights dimmed, the music started, and they started coming. Funny thing is, I never really watched a fashion show before (and never really thought I would... I mean I've seen them, just never really paid attention) and it was pretty cool. Ever person had their own thing - some were awkward and clunky, some blew kisses and twirled their dresses as they walked by, a few looked slightly constipated - and then Lily's silhouette appeared at the top (I started to sweat a little).

Now here's the thing - I think my kids can do anything. They have their flaws, I know, but they're smart and persistent, and that goes a long way... but I'm not gushy about it, and I'm sure they'll be the first ones to tell you this. I don't like helicopter, overprotective parents. I don't like parents who act like their kids are god's gift to the earth, parents who compliment their kids at every turn, and parents who really and truly believe that everyone thinks that their kids are as wonderful as they think their kids are. Because they're not, and chances are, if you're that kind of parent, your kid is probably a dick. But I digress. When I saw her silhouette, I quickly reevaluated myself as a parent. If she trips, I thought, or freaks out, or rips her dress, or falls off the runway, or pees, farts, sneezes, laughs, forgets to turn, or god forbid someone laughs - she'll be devastated. It's stupid, I know, it's a fashion show. Nothing more. But it's the first thing in a while that she's been this excited about, and I can't help getting sucked up in it.

But I know, from her first step, everything will be OK. She comes out from behind the curtain poised and perfect, with a look of Blue Steel. She walks like she doesn't notice the crowd and the lights, her eyes pan the crowd as if they bore her - just a little. She hits all of her marks, turns her head and gives up a little smile, and it occurs to me as she drifts behind the curtain that I am utterly and hopelessly in love with her.

Career Paths

In a marriage, you do things for each other. Some things are awesome, some are ordinary, some dreadful, and some just plain dull. Actually, things start off as dull, but lately nothing ends up that way. I pass by our pharmacy on the way home, so Sara asks me to stop and pick things up once in a while. The other day, the doctor was supposed to call in a prescription for her, so I wrote myself a note and stopped there on the way home. One of the reasons I don't really mind stopping there is that no matter who you are in life, sooner or later you have to stop at the CVS for something. You just can't avoid it, and at our CVS smack dab in the middle of the Main Line, billionaire socialites, hungover Villanova students, middle class Joes, and garden variety lunatics are all at the same level in life while standing in line waiting for our pierced and transdermally implanted checkout clerk to wait on them.
When I got there, it was almost empty, just a few stragglers in the aisles. I got in line at the prescription counter behind a woman who looked to be in her 60s... Well dressed, rotund, and pulsing with energy. I sort of tuned her out while she rattled on about a prescription she was waiting for, but the more she talked, the less I could ignore the conversation. After a couple of minutes, it got interesting.
"I found a dollar in the parking lot", she said to the pharmacist. "I found a dollar."
My ears perked up. The pharmacist, I guess because he couldn't muster up the correct response to this, stared blankly at her. This was completely unacceptable, apparently, because she fished the dollar bill out of her jacket pocket and waved it around in front of him. Then, to hammer the point in, said "it was just blowing around out there!"
In my head, I had so many sarcastic answers to this conversation that I started to mentally categorize them into lists - mean funny, sarcastic funny, well golly gee funny - you know, lists. Before she had put the bill back in her pocket I had devised a complex story about an elaborate dollar bill tracking system that I had developed in high school - and how by taking the temperature of the bill I could tell how long it had been out of someone's pocket. Then by taking into account average wind speed and direction, adjusting for the friction as it tumbled across the asphalt, I could pinpoint the exact spot where the bill had first been lost. These calculations, coupled with the CVS security camera footage (which I'm sure I could get access to) might just show us who was walking in or out of the pharmacy when this tragedy occurred. The rest would be easy (I would confidently explain) because I could use some basic facial recognition software to identify the person, and with the pharmacy records, simply refund the money to their debit card from the woman's bank account and she could keep the dollar, and everything would be even-steven. "Unfortunately," I thought I would say, as she peered lovingly into my eyes having solved her grand dollar bill dilemma, "although my lost bill tracking algorithm is flawless, it costs several million dollars to fire up the Cray supercomputer I have in my trunk and run through all of the calculations. I hope you have your checkbook."
Still, the pharmacist had nothing, and he continued look at her with a blank deer-in-headlights sort of stare. Luckily for him, she turned and walked away, and he went about shuffling the prescription bags on his shelf. I was next in line, and when he turned back to me and said "can I help you?", I mustered up as straight of a face as I could and said, "yeah, hi. I think I might have lost a dollar in your parking lot."
You know what I got from him? Nothing. Not a smile, not a giggle, nothing. I was sure (in my head) that it was a pretty damn funny thing to say though, so I gave him a good 20 second pause.
...
still nothing... so I moved on... "I'm here to pick up a prescription for my wife" I said, and gave him her name. He picked through the prescription bags, then looked in the computer.
"Are you sure she had something waiting?" he asked.
At this point, I was still running through dollar bill identification jokes in my head, so I wasn't really all that upset I was going to walk out of the CVS empty handed.
"Well," I said, "she said the doctor was going to call something in for her, but maybe she's insane."
And you know what I got from him? No, no you don't, because in my wildest imagination I could not have come up with a more boring, white toast of an answer. He turns to me and says, "I think it's more likely that the doctor didn't call it in."
As if I was implying that she was actually insane. Really. In his head he must have decided that this was the most plausible answer, given the options I had presented him with, and that's what I got. She's not insane. Gotcha. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm not a pharmacist.

The Rules Of Tajweed

Usually, Sam ends up in the hospital. I do too, sometimes, but not nearly as often as the boy. Lily and Sara seem to have been spared whatever gene it is that causes the two of us to injure ourselves in spectacular and life altering ways, and they just seem to get hurt like regular people. I know, deep down, that Sam’s injuries are some sort of karmic retribution for all of the times I
made my way back home covered in blood and turned my parent’s downstairs bathroom into a triage unit. I’m OK though, I’ve accepted it as something that the universe wants, and I have gauze and splints at the ready. The dog injuries are a bit unexpected though, and it seems like they’re a bit more than I deserve. When we had kids, we found a good pediatrician and a nearby hospital, we stocked up on medicine and band-aids, and we always have plenty of ice. When we got the dogs, we got chew toys and a bed – when we should have been shopping for things like those head cones so they can’t chew on themselves. We’re on our third and fourth dog though, and we should know something will happen eventually. This time it was Steve… we had a regular day, filled with regular stuff, but after the kids went to bed Steve swelled up to twice his original size. Why? Who knows. I thought it might have been the bit of sea bass he had with his dinner, but the vet seemed to think it was a reaction to some sort of bite. I didn’t go to the vet, mind you, I know better. I called the after-hours line and had him call me back, because our emergency 24 hour vet service looks at your net worth before they agree to treat your pet… it’s cheaper to get counseling for your loss, have a taxidermist preserve your old pet, and buy a new dog… Anyway, our vet called back, and from the sound of his voice I could tell he was in his pajamas. I described what was going on, and he hemmed and hawed for a minute, and said, “How much does Steve weigh now?” "
“180 pounds”
“Did you say 180 pounds?”
“I did. I mean I guess, last time we weighed him he was 170 pounds, and he’s
a lot bigger…”
(slight pause in the conversation)
“OK,” he said, “ give him 200mg of Benadryl tonight, and let me know how he
is in the morning.”
Do we have Benadryl? Of course we do. Can I find it at 10pm? Of course I can’t … so I look in every cabinet. While I’m looking, Steve keeps getting bigger. His eyes are swelling shut, and his jowls (which hang down as it is) look like two porterhouse steaks attached to the side of his face. Finally, I find a bottle of liquid bubblegum flavored Benadryl, which I’m sure he’ll eat because
he eats everything… Everything, it turns out, except bubblegum flavored Benadryl… Luckily, I finally find a stash of pills - so I count out eight of them, put them inside a piece of bread with some peanut butter, and hand it over. At this point though, he’s either too swollen or too distrustful to eat it, and I spend the next 10 minutes prying his mouth open and shoving little
satchels of Benadryl sandwich down his throat (which, conveniently, is the same size as my arm). All the while he’s conveniently ambivalent to the whole situation, and when the Benadryl kicks in, he lazily rubs his paws on his eyes and walks in circles around the living room.
Since I'm up all night, I'm mulling things over, like how Sam is finally embracing his injuries. He’s still getting hurt as regularly, but he has seemed to accept it. Lately he comes home from school with some bruises and cuts, shows them to me, and moves on with his day… as opposed to asking for band-aids and ice packs. It’s been sort of a gradual change, and I didn’t really notice until basketball season started. He isn’t the best basketball player, but he’s good. Plus, he plays hard. Hard enough to get in the middle of things, to dive, to wrestle for the ball, and to hit the floor if he needs to after he takes a shot. During a rough game last week he tore a chunk of skin off the underside of his arm, and got a bruise the size of an orange on his hip when he was in the middle of a scrum. I saw him get slammed onto the floor, saw him slide, and winced… but he got up running, and just kept going. After the game he was pretty sore, but during the game, he was relentless. The thing is, I’m not sure what the proper emotion for this is… pride? I was proud of him. I was. It felt sort of wrong though, like I should have told him to go to the bench if he needed to, should have gotten him some ice…
But it makes sense, in a weird sort of way. Sam is intense. Lily is dramatic and hilarious, but Sam is driven. When he wants something, he makes it happen…. When he wants to learn all the words to a song, he listens to it over and over, Googles the lyrics and prints them out, and memorizes them. When he wants to learn something, he learns it – and when he wants the ball, he gets it. It's like he has a set of rules for himself, and once he decides there is something he has to do, it's hard to peel him off track.

Lily, on the other hand, lives to be peeled off track. She has this thing that I don't think many other people see, this sense of humor that she doesn't share with everyone. I can't really figure out why though... maybe she's self conscious, or maybe she doesn't think she's funny, I have no idea. But she has it, more than most people I know. She has good timing, and really honest delivery. There have been times when she has made me laugh so hard that I can't breathe, and there aren't many people that can do that. On purpose, anyway.

... so I'm up all night with Steve, and he's alternating between rubbing his face, pawing at me to pet him, or pacing anxiously around the room. All the while I'm thinking about the kids, Steve, and the blog. I'm thinking about how much I dread writing a post when I feel like I have to, and how much I miss being in front of the computer when I have something to say. I think about how nice it would be to gracefully close Tickle, Cook, Breathe since it's lived a long life. And after a long night of fits and spurts of sleep interrupted by the dog, I'm sitting on the couch when the first rays of sunlight spill over the windowsill and I think to myself "the first rays of sunlight spill over the windowsill. I should write that down."

Matthew 12:39-41 and Mud In My Shorts

We have great towers of bright green bamboo in the back of our yard, which is at the same time wonderful and horrible. Horrible because new bamboo shoots creep out of the ground everywhere in a twenty-five yard radius whenever the hell they feel like it, and in the spring grow about a foot every day… which means when we’re away for the weekend we occasionally come home to eager young shoots that have toppled over our lawn furniture or pushed their way through my pile of firewood. But wonderful because the tall, older forest sways in even the most gentle of breezes, tapping against each other like wooden wind chimes.
There are birds too, thousands of them it seems, that hide in the dense leaves toward the top, and only let you know they’re there when they all talk to each other early in the morning. This fall there have been mottled grey babies with orange feet that skitter about in the dry bamboo leaves that make a tight mat on the ground beneath the poles. The babies blend in well with the dried leaves though, and they’re pretty hard to see unless they make noise. The dogs, however, seem to be able to find them pretty easily.
So far the only ones that I’ve seen have just begun to fly, and when they’re startled they can escape to higher perches pretty quickly. But we have two hunters in the house, each with their own equally effective strategy. I’ve tried to discourage them from the hunt, of course, but it’s a primal thing, and although they’re somewhat well trained I can’t get this out of their systems.
Stella runs. She bolts when she hears them, makes turns on a dime, and leaps through impossibly small gaps in the bamboo. She’s like a little beige blur, snapping and effortlessly leaping into the air when the birds try to escape. For all her athleticism, she has a pretty low body count so far, which I’m happy about, because when she gets them she locks down with her jaw, and brings the mangled carcasses to me almost bursting with pride. Steve, on the other hand, will gallop toward the bamboo, but slows to a crawl when he gets close – lowering his body toward the ground and stalking them like a cat - head down, shoulder and hip muscles undulating with each step, and he pounces. A hundred and seventy pound pounce, mind you, which is nothing to sneeze at. It’s puma-esque… and certainly something I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of.
A week ago, I fell asleep on the couch. Usually, I’ll make it up to bed at one point or another, but I was beat, and I crashed. The worst part about sleeping downstairs is the dogs decide what time I wake up – and at five-thirty, Steve was up and pawing at my arm to let him outside. So even though I was wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts and it was raining, I took them outside. Almost immediately, I knew it was a mistake. The dogs sprinted to the bamboo, and the baby birds scattered in all directions. It was just light enough to see them awkwardly flying around the yard, with flashes of white teeth and long strands of Steve’s drool in tow. I tried my best to stop them, yelling at them and trying to catch them, getting wetter by the minute from the rain and squishing around the mud in my bare feet. For a brief shining moment I thought I had Steve – I grabbed his collar when he chased a bird right by me – but I realized a moment too late that grabbing a dog who is the size of a small cow and running at full speed isn’t the best idea. One moment I had his collar in my hand, and the next I was sailing through the air thinking ‘god, I’m an idiot’. Up until this point I was still sort of half asleep. When I landed face first on my wet lawn, in my underwear, I was wide awake. More wide awake than I can remember ever being, as a matter of fact. I got up, cursing. Making up new and exciting curses. Curses never heard before, curses so vile they could strip paint off of furniture. Curses that somehow seemed to bridge the inter species communication gap, because the dogs were transfixed.
When I finally got them inside, Stella went back to sleep as if nothing had happened, and Steve skulked away into his cage in shame. I spent about five minutes scraping the mud off myself in the kitchen, and since there was no way in hell I was going back to sleep, I made some breakfast. When I sat back down on the couch, Steve was still in his cage, eyeballing me in the darkness. I turned the TV on, and in the background I heard... a chirp. And then another one. I turned the light on, and sitting next to Steve on his dog bed was a little grey bird, completely covered in saliva, with the most surprised expression a bird could possibly muster. Steve, it seems, had the baby bird in his mouth the entire time, swishing it back and forth like an Altoid... and when he got bored, he let it go.
So by then it was almost six in the morning, and I was outside in the rain again, in my underwear, cleaning spit off of a bird...

Tiny Cakes & Spotted Plates

As promised, I'm posting an unprecedented two days in a row... there's a reason though - I haven't just turned over a new leaf. We had our tea party for Ava today, and although we talked to the kids & our friends about why we were having a tea party, we made it as upbeat of an occasion as we could. There was a glitch or two along the way (as there are in all things around here), the kids spent every unoccupied moment asking if they could lick the batter, or the frosting, or the pans... basically anything that wasn't moving or washed already. Plus, after Sara and Lily spent the morning putting balloons, streamers, a pinata, and the whole table setting outside, the skies opened up and we had torrential rains until the party was long over... and our friend Renata had to brave some flood waters to make it here, but we dragged everything out of the rain just in time, and being inside with the dogs was just as nice.
In the end, we had an afternoon I hope Sheye would have wanted, and Ava would have liked to come to. There were spotty plates, tiny cakes, bottles and bowls with drinks and sweets, paper cranes, flowers, our Kimono Twingy, and sparkly tiaras... and all of us crowded together around a table to remember the best of times and a princess we never really knew. All that said, today was a gift for us, and a gift for Sheye - for helping us remember the important things, for showing us what strength and love really are, and for sharing your journey.
Pics from today are at the link below...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeJvjzD_KN0

Pies, Tea & Photos Of The Clatter

Eventful summer, somewhat. We spent most of it away from the house – not on vacation necessarily, just outside, causing trouble. We did our share of escaping though – we went camping, to the Poconos, and to LA to see my sister and her family. All in all, there’s just too much to say. Which is my fault of course, because I put this blog on the back burner for a while.
It’s a shame, really because in a few short months Lily managed to set herself on fire and learned to swim (not at the same time), Sam got the lead part in Peter Pan, Sara turned 40 in spectacular style (thanks to some wonderful friends of ours), and I became a park ranger. All of these things (unfortunately for you) are part of much longer hilarious stories.Two things, though, are recent and worth sharing. For one, my parents came up this week to hang out, and so that my father could help me start construction on our outdoor pizza oven. A few months ago, while I was in the ‘daydreaming about a pizza oven’ stage, I envisioned a rather short process. After all, even though I have almost no masonry experience, it’s just a pile of bricks. Once I did a little research, it occurred to me that it’s a really big pile of bricks – and when I got some plans, it occurred to me that it’s a really big complicated pile of bricks. Unfortunately, since I’ve been talking about it to anyone that would listen, I sort of had to follow through with it… plus, the prospect of having a wood burning oven in the yard is just too mouth watering to back down. But we had a plan. On Wednesday we started, got some basic frame ideas together, dug some holes for foundation supports, and bought some lumber. After a day of mental (and a little physical) work, we had a couple of drinks and sat on the couch until about midnight revising our plans. By the time we went to bed, we had all but nullified the physical work done that afternoon.
The next morning it was back to the drawing board, and we spent a couple of hours drawing plans for the new foundation, followed by a trip to the lumberyard again. When all was said and done, and my parents were on the road home, we managed to accomplish a lot or nothing at all, depending on how you look at it. Even though we didn’t have pizza (actually, we did… from a pizza place down the road) I feel pretty good about what we did, and I have to admit I had a really good time.
The other thing that’s worth mentioning is our trip to California, which was great… filled with cousins chasing each other around, great weather, sand crabs, and tasty waves. For those of you that have spent any time hanging around Manhattan Beach, you know there aren’t really any negatives to being there. Well, I missed the dogs, but that’s about it. Instead of running you through the day-to-day, there’s one thing I should mention. On the last day we were there, my sister (who writes a few blogs) made ‘A Pie For Mikey’, which was a peanut butter pie to celebrate the life of a fellow food blogger’s husband who passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. She made the pie with a little help from everyone there, as a gift to us, a gift for Jennie, and a gift for Mikey. I couldn’t help thinking about Ava that last Saturday in California. Ava was the daughter of Sheye Rosemeyer – she was born just after Lily in 2003, and died from a tragic accident in 2007, a few days before Lily’s 4th birthday. Sara and I started following Sheye’s blog right around the time that Ava died, and have watched Sheye and her utterly heartbroken family put their lives back together over the last four years. Since then, every August we have talked in passing about celebrating Ava’s birthday, as her mother had wished everyone to do, as a day to cherish your family. We never quite got it together though, and always saw pictures of ‘Ava’s Tea Parties’ from all around the world long after her birthday had passed us by. So tomorrow - thanks to the inspiration of my sister, who managed to do something for someone across the country in the middle of the hustle and bustle of her busy life – we’re having a tea party for Ava’s birthday. Sheye has come up in conversation in our house in the last few years more then she will ever know - in conversations about love, loss, and us. Unfortunately, the summer is quickly coming to an end, but we’re putting everything on hold tomorrow and having some friends over to spend a few hours celebrating a pink superprincess, telling stories about the summer, and trying to be glad, give thanks, and cherish. Pictures to follow…

Living The Lie

Every season came with surprises when my father was involved. As a dad, he could do all sorts of things you would expect a dad to do – he could build furniture, fix cars, explain what BTUs were, and hunt – all of which, I can’t. On top of all that, he had a doctorate in Physiology, so there were all sorts of random questions that he somehow knew the answers to... and how to stay comfortable no matter what the temperature was, was one of them.

In the dead of winter, on the coldest days, my father had a rectangular piece of slate about two inches thick, as foot wide, and three feet long. What it was from, I have not idea, but my father’s basement is filled with all manner of things – wood scraps and wiring, tools, glues oils and greases, and every spare part for every thing any of us ever owned... so it could have been from just about anything. He would put it in front of our fireplace and let it heat up, and then with a pair of work gloves he would carry it upstairs and tuck it under our covers, one bed at a time. When each bed was warm, we would scurry under the covers – and if you could manage to squeeze yourself into a small rectangular shape – you would be completely toasty warm. Awesome.

Unfortunately, he also had a plan for the summer. I’ll lay out his theory for you... If the cool air is outside, you have to get it inside, obviously, I’m down with that. Fools (he thought) let all the fans in the house blow inward. I know, I know, I am thinking the same thing you are... don’t you want the outside air in? You do, but here was his plan. Apparently, if you let all of the fans blow inward, you aren’t really letting the cool night air inside... what you’re feeling is all an illusion... because you can only have so much air in a house at one time. What you should do, according to my father, is have one fan blowing in, and at the opposite end of the house, have one fan blowing out. That way, instead of inflating the house to the point where it might violently explode and send a shower of mustard yellow siding shards all over the neighborhood, there was a small jet stream localized on the second floor of our house. In theory, it sounds like it might work, right? Sure it does. Until you are the youngest person in the house and are outvoted by your older and wiser sisters and you have to be the ass with the ‘out’ fan in your room. Don’t think I didn’t protest, either, especially after spending a night drowning in sweat in what seemed like a convection oven. But my father, completely enamored with his airflow plan, refused to budge. “Just you wait”, he would insist, “in a few hours the whole house will be cool as a cucumber.” Unfortunately, his idea of ‘a few hours’ was actually the hours that remained between whatever day it was, and October, when the house would magically become cool again.

I’d like to think that the experience made me a tougher person. At the very least, I have some ammunition when I’m arguing with the kids. “You know, when I was young my fans only blew out. I didn’t have any of the fancy ‘wind’ or ‘coolness’ that you two have, I had to sleep in a pool of my own salty warm sweat, and I was happy to have it.” On the flipside, we’re edging towards spoiled over here. The kids don’t have air conditioning in their rooms, and they always ask to sleep in the guest room in the summer. Which they can’t. If it’s ungodly hot, we’ll set up the bed and let them sleep there – but they have fans, windows, and sweat glands – so they’ll be fine. It’s a battle though, because Sara becomes too cold at around 68 degrees, and too hot at 71 degrees… so she is convinced that the kids will die if left exposed to the outside air, and has been know to feel the kids while they are sleeping to see what their temperature is. Which is always hot enough to give me a sad puppy dog look, so that I’ll feel guilty enough to install central air before they die in their sleep. Luckily, she’s worn out the look, and I’m completely unaffected.

I still think about those summers when I was a kid though, and might just start blowing the fans outward… that’ll teach ‘em…

He Thrusts His Fists Against The Posts

I left a while ago, went to a lake a couple of hundred miles from home. Just for a few days - because I had the time, because I wanted to get away from a lot of things, because I wanted a deep breath, and because I needed to. I went from the beginnings of spring here in Berwyn to the clutches of winter up in the mountains, and what was supposed to be a fishing trip of sorts turned into a hiking/fishing trip, as I had to search for spots where the ice floes yawned open into clear water.
In between seasons on the lake was an odd time to go, it turns out, and I noticed as soon I shut off the car engine in front of my cabin. Without the skiers or the summer crowds, the lake was completely deserted, and for three days I didn’t hear a single human voice aside from my own… so I searched for water and fished, soaking in the quiet, occasionally noticed that I was talking to myself, and found myself thinking (among other things) how difficult life on this lake must have been before supermarkets were a car ride away and people had phones in their pockets.
Most of the time I fished, didn’t catch much, but fished anyway. I got in the habit of leaving the cabin light on too, since I was down on the shoreline the first night when darkness rolled in and without the lights of any neighbors I struggled to find my way through the cold back to the cabin. When I was inside, I fashioned meals out of what I caught and what I had carried in, and wondered what Sara and the kids were doing back at home… and every morning I woke up there I sharpened hooks, tucked my pants into waterproof boots, stepped out into the crisp air and thought about them getting ready for school and work. I came home after a few days, and got back just in time to pick the kids up from school and take Lily to her dance class -and aside from the lingering scent of lake water I was back into the swing of things. In the end, I got some of what I was looking for, and remembered why I would rather be here... but most of that is stories for another time, and maybe a different blog.
Sara, since I’ve been writing here, thinks I have a ‘blog voice’… that the way I act and the things I say here don’t match… and maybe that this blog is just a place where I write how I wish things would be instead of the way they are. It’s true, I guess. I tend to romanticize things, fill in gaps of stories that I don’t remember or that were too boring the first time around – and certainly don’t always write about the struggles we have from day to day and the mundane parts that go along with them. The reality here is that we work every day to steer our lives, the kids, and our relationship in the right direction, and we still hit roadblocks, just like everyone else. She drives me insane, occasionally, and I’m sure I do the same to her. More than sure, actually. But as I go back and read old posts, and think about the 21 years (holy shit!) we’ve been together, I don’t think I’ve ever had a blog voice when it comes to her. Even though she might not know it all the time, and I certainly don’t say it all the time, I am completely and hopelessly in love with her. I’ve had regrets in my life, moments that have shaken me to the core and moments that have changed who I am as a husband, father, and human being. But given the choice, knowing all of the mistakes I have made, I would do them all again because they have gotten me here… here where I get to wake up and see her every morning, and where I get to watch each year roll by with her next to me. So I might have a blog voice, and I might say things just to make you want to read my next post, but no matter what else I need to embellish, I have never had to do that with Sara… because whether she believes this post or not when she reads it tomorrow morning, I cherish every day that I’m with her.
(and if you’re reading this before I’ve gotten out of bed, happy mother’s day!)

From Six to Nine

I’m not much of a dancer. I’m sure if you know me, you’ve figured that out already. To be honest, I never really got it… I used to go to dances, dance at weddings, and all that – and I don’t think I was ever the guy that people used to stare at because I was bad, I was one of the people that was sort of middle of the road and just blended into the background. The problem is, it’s one of those things that you just can’t seem to avoid, and every once in a while I just find myself in a dance-type scenario. Oddly enough, I find myself in karaoke-type scenarios too, which I find even less appealing – so much so that I have made a mental list of things I would rather do that sing karaoke. Like, for example, inseminate an elephant… or take a rollercoaster ride with a mouthful of fishhooks.

But I digress… For the past three years Sara has been taking Sam to the mother son event at his elementary school, and every year they have some competition or sports related theme. Every year she stresses about it a bit, and every year they end up having a great time… and all the while, in the background, I knew that eventually the time would come for the dreaded Father-Daughter Dance. Now don’t take that the wrong way, I wasn’t dreading going to an event with Lily, I just wished it was something like a Father-Daughter Fish Fry… or a Father-Daughter Movie and Funnel Cake Spectacular. But she was excited, and since I adore her, I was excited. So she got a new dress, I got a vest to match and my dusty tuxedo cleaned. I bought a corsage, got a haircut, cleaned my car, and showed her my best dance moves. She rolled her eyes.

The day finally came, and when we walked into the first room it was like stepping into one of Lily’s most elaborate fantasies. There were servers walking around with trays of snacks, a cotton candy machine, dark and white chocolate fountains, candy tree centerpieces, American Doll and gumball machine raffles, and every girl that she knew preening around like it was a miniature prom. We roamed around in there for a bit, plucking food off of silver trays and getting our picture taken – and when the crowd started to shift onto the dance floor we wandered in to the dance.

Now, from Sara’s description, the mother-son event was a rough and tumble collection of games that the boys ran to in rapid succession. Basically, it sounded like excitement and sweat. The dance floor at Lily’s event was Walt Disney on acid. Disco lights, taffeta, braids, ribbons, red sequins and elementary school gossip all swirling around in one frenetic soup. Lily, unlike me, came to dance. She practices moves at home whenever a song comes on – and depending on her mood, she floats around in graceful, dramatic swooshes - or rhythmically thrashes across the floor using furniture, Sam, or the dogs as props in elaborate gyrations around the house. So we danced. For hours. When she dances at home, it’s usually just to keep herself amused… but having Lily as a dance partner is like trying to land a Marlin. She wiggles around, twists and whirls with wild abandon, and dips at random points in her routine, and expects me to catch her as if I was knew it was coming. Needless to say, I sweat through my tuxedo, as did most of the other dads, who all looked a bit like weary soldiers leaving the battlefield as we all made our way back to the car when the dance was over.

But she held my hand the whole time, and not like we were walking through the mall, she held my hand like she meant it. When there was a break between songs she grabbed onto my waist as hard as she could, and when she said goodnight to me she wrapped her arms around my neck so tight I could see stars. So it turns out I like dancing after all, and you know what? I can’t wait till next year.

Lions, Lambs, and Paper Dolls

I haven’t written in a while, not out of laziness or lack of drive to post – but more because of my lack of direction. I started this blog ages ago after my sister started one, so that I could fill people in on what was happening with my wee kids and get things off of my chest. Lately though, I’ve been struggling to find things I want to write about… no one wants to hear me complain all the time, or listen to the same old rehashed stories of my humdrum day to day life. Funny thing is, I think about the blog all the time… almost every day, as a matter of fact. I shape stories in my head as things happen during the day, and turn them over and over in my mind until they shatter into too many pieces to type. So I’ll start again, work backwards a bit, and see if I can gather some together.

Lily’s been sick for the past couple of days, and not just the regular sick that a little attention and a tissue will fix - the throwing up, fever kind of sick that reminds you that you’re a parent. I took the days off and stayed with her, because Sara’s done her share of sick time, and I was the first one covered in vomit on Monday morning - it’s sort of like the lotto that way. If you find dog poo on the floor, you clean it up instead of waiting for someone else to do it – and if you get thrown up on, you’re ‘it’ for the day.

We’ve seen enough sick to know when not to panic. There were a few years where thermometers and Tylenol sent us into a tailspin, and I was sure that the night nurses at CHOP knew our voices and medical history by heart. But we know sick. We know hospitals and x-ray machines, stitches, blood tests, ice packs, and casts. We know what band-aids will fix, what fear looks like, when to make Jell-O, and when to drive through red lights. Yesterday I made Jell-O, and she survived just fine. The sick part is easy to manage, it’s the kids that are a wild card. We had our Jell-O, and she slept. We had crackers and watered down juice, movies and blankets, and she slept - slept with a passion, the sleep of the dead – and while she was sleeping I ate something besides crackers and Jell-O so she wouldn’t see. By the time we were getting ready for bed, she had long since stopped throwing up, but was still pale and limp on the couch... and when I asked her if she wanted me to carry her up to bed, she looked at me and let a single round tear well up in the corner of her eye, and when it was big enough it broke free it rolled down the side of her cheek and into her hair. Which killed me. She didn’t cry or complain, the day and the sickness won, and she just gave up. This morning, as expected, she’s once again a lion.

All the while, in the background, Steve is growing.  When we decided to bring home an English Mastiff, the world seemed to collectively raise one eyebrow at us. To a certain extent, everyone was right. He’s absurdly large, and gets bigger as you stare at him. He is clumsy as an ox on Rohypnol, can eat an entire chicken carelessly knocked off a counter before it hits the floor, can drag Sara across the street even with a choke collar on, and has succeeded in turning our everyday lives into a cartoon. He is passionate about the eyes on stuffed animals, and will gently gnaw them off when no one is looking. He drools when he drinks, when he thinks he is going to get a treat, when he thinks he is going to get walked, when he sees another dog, and whenever he feels like it. And not just drool – long, thick strands of viscous slobber that wobble about from his jowls and refuse to disconnect until they’ve found purchase on something clean or expensive. He has kept me up nights, swallowed Christmas tree ornaments and DS games without chewing, tested our patience at every opportunity, and somehow has managed to make up for every bit of it. He’s patient and loving, attentive, and will actually stand up and give you a decent hug if you don’t mind washing drool off the side of your neck.

In the midst of the chaos, destruction, and spurts of Green Day Rock Band, I’ve been trying something new. It’s not a New Year’s resolution or a grand life change that I’ll toss out the window in a month, and it’s not even something I’ve talked about. It’s just a thing. A little thing. I have all this stuff here, kids, wife dogs, house, friends, bacon… you know, stuff… and I’m trying to focus on the stuff that’s important for a change. It doesn’t always work, and it’s easy to forget, but sometimes it’s really paid off. Like Christmas, for example. I didn’t ask for anything, and truly couldn’t think of anything I really wanted. I wanted the kids to have fun, and thought some surprises along the way would be cool, but that’s it. In the end, we had a great morning here with the kids, and at my parents house I got one of my father’s photographs (which is really the only thing I wanted) and a cookbook my mother made that left me completely and utterly speechless – which isn’t easy to do. But it isn’t just that. I’m incredibly frustrated at work, but have reminded myself every morning that it’s good to have a job, and it could be worse. I try not to just come home from work, but remind myself how glad I am to be at home… and when Steve knocks over and eats the entire contents of my kitchen trash can, I try to take a deep breath and remind myself that I have one less bag to carry outside. In forty years I think I’ve squandered away more than I’ve deserved, and maybe in lieu of a mid-life crisis Ferrari, I’ll just try to get what I deserve, and appreciate what I have.

Walking The Couch & Borrowing Babies

OK, enough seriousness, it’s getting a bit old on here. Lets try a little slice of my day instead.

As I mentioned before, our English Mastiff named Steve is getting bigger by the second… you can actually see him grow if you stare at him long enough. For those of you who don’t have dogs, that means two things. One, he needs to be trained and socialized while he’s still a manageable size, so that when he creeps over the 200 pound mark he doesn’t eat the children. And two, while he’s still a growing puppy there’s bound to be all sorts of shenanigans. At 15 weeks old he was big enough to stand up and watch what I was doing on the kitchen counter, and by 17 weeks it occurred to him to lean up on the counter and eat what was on it. He also discovered that he was now bigger than every other dog in our neighborhood, and naturally, thinks that they should all cower as he approaches. Which they don’t.

He’s pretty well behaved though, and the only really annoying thing that he does is get into the trash. Since he’s now 18 weeks old and taller than the trash can, he tries to stick his giant head in there and pull things out – and since we’re pretty careful about not leaving things sitting on top of a trash pile, the most he really ever pulls out is a napkin or some sort of wrapper. Plus, he knows he isn’t supposed to be in there and sheepishly gnaws on things in the corner and waits to get in trouble. Apparently, we don’t always catch him though, and if you’re easily grossed out you might not want to read the next part…

On Wednesday, I got home from work, fed the dogs, and took them out. After about four blocks I wore them down, they both pooped, and I scooped it up with my little dog bags. We moved on, except for Steve, who was still sort of bent over like he was going to go again… but he didn’t, he just kept squatting there and staring up at me. Since Steve is our fourth dog, I knew my options. It’s a waiting game, really, and eventually you just have to get in there and see what’s happening. I’m patient though, so I waited, and waited. For a second, he stood up again, and and saw what was going on (keep in mind I’m not trying to gross you out, but this is funny in the end), it seemed that out trash can sized dog swallowed a napkin or something, and it was trying to make it’s way back out. It was sad and gross, but at the same time a little funny because from the back he looked like a towel dispenser that you might see in a turnpike bathroom – the ones where you grab on the the end of a bunched up towel and pull, and when it comes out it tears so the towel is just sticking out enough for the next person to grab. Eventually I gave up and decided to help… and pulled a poo bag off the roll and went in there. (again, sorry) With the bag wrapped around my hand I grabbed on and started to gently tug on the napkin – which I realized was a paper towel because it kept coming, and coming. Then, after I had about a foot out, the most unexpected thing happened. Granted, I’ve learned to expect the unexpected when pulling things out of a dog’s butt, but this was a first. It tore. At the perforation. Seriously. So it turned out he swallowed two attached paper towels whole, and they lined themselves up on their way through, because when I pulled one out, just like a dispenser, the second one started to come out, and the first one tore off. So there I was standing in the middle of the road holding a paper towel and looking at the second one peeking out of my dog, and all I could think was “god, I hope there aren’t more than two in there”. It was like a dog version of a clown car… just when you think it’s over, there’s more in there…

Anyway, I tried to scrub that out of my head and moved on. Fast forward to Saturday… We spent the morning dashing around, soccer games, birthday parties, etc.. This has been a wicked allergy season for me and Saturday was miserable, so when I made my final drop off of the day and found myself alone in the car, I decided to drive around a bit and look for food before going home. I pointed the car west, because about ten miles away or so there is a little Mexican grocery store that carries Mexican Coke, as well as a few other tidbits I was out of, and on the way back I could stop at another favorite place of mine. It’s a tiny place, so when I got there I tossed a few things and some Mexican Cokes in my basket and checked out, and got in the car for stop number two – an even smaller Mexican grocery store.  This one is about the size of my living room and sells primarily two things, long distance calling cards and empanadas. Wait, let me rephrase – long distance calling cards and spectacular piping hot life changing empanadas.

When I walked in there were eight people sitting at a couple of card tables right next to the empanada warming cabinet, and the owner of the store got up, walked over to me and shook my hand. Since he was standing between me and the warming cabinet, I told him what I was there for and he grabbed the tongs for me and started tossing some empanadas in a white paper bag… then stopped and asked if I wanted one before I left. Now, if you could smell these things, you’d understand. He knew. He knew I would eat one in the parking lot. So I sat down next to the owner and his family, with my empanada and little grease stained paper plate, and started to dig in. Next thing I know, I felt a tugging on my pant leg. I looked down, and noticed a baby, about a year-ish or so, had crawled out from under the table and was tugging on my leg. The three women at the table were speaking in spanish and chuckling, and the one closest to me said “It looks like he wants you to pick him up”. “It does” I said, and tried to ignore the baby as I took another bite. “You can pick him up if you want” she said next – which completely caught me off guard. On one hand, I didn’t really want to say “no, I’m not really in the habit, or mood, to pick up random babies while I’m eating”, but on the other hand, the idea of stopping for a snack and ending up with a small Mexican child seemed seemed like a funnier option. So I wiped the grease off my hands, scooped the baby up, and placed him on my knee. As if all was right with the world, the women at the table went back to talking to each other, the baby sat perfectly still and content on my knee, and I finished the rest of my empanada and all of the sour green sauce on the table. When I was done, one of the women plucked the baby off of my lap, the owner shook my hand, and I hugged my greasy paper bag all the way to the car.

Here Be Dragons

We had our 12th anniversary a couple of weeks ago, and maybe more importantly, marked the 20th year of being together. Half of my life, that is. Scary. Not the half my life thing, but the fact that twenty years is half of my life, and that it has flown by so quickly. Hard to believe.

After years of trying to outdo each other, we decided to keep it simple. A babysitter, some dinner, a movie… all of that in one night is actually a big deal for us, so I was pretty excited to go. Of course, it’s never as easy as it seems.  About five minutes before we were going to leave Sara gets her phone to see if the babysitter is on her way, and notices a few text messages our babysitter wrote in mid-hurl saying she couldn’t make it.

The funny thing is, it wasn’t that big of a deal. At some point in the past few years, while I wasn’t really paying attention, we built a little life here in Berwyn. I made one call, was putting the kids in the car while the pizza delivery guy showed up and tossed the pizza in my trunk, and we dropped the kids off for an impromptu sleepover down the street (ha! love that we have friends that’ll just take the kids!). So, a minor bump in the road fixed, and we were off. First stop was Alba, where we know the chef and his wife so we always get treated well… and as a bonus, the waiter that we knew there who moved to NY was back in town… which made everything perfect. Since our friend who was watching the kids also decided to drive to our house and walk the dogs at 9:00, we hit the theater afterwards without worrying about getting home - which was peaceful and empty when we got there after all was said and done, being kid-less and all. The next morning, our friends came back with our kids and theirs for breakfast, each one of them bearing a bouquet of flowers as they walked in the door. So we looked around the house for enough vases to fit all of the flowers, ate waffles and bacon, and sat around in our pajamas for most of the day. So what started as a simple night out ended up being something spectacular, thanks to a few of the people that happened into our life in the past few years.

… and in case you haven’t been paying attention, we’re moving on at full speed. Lily started kindergarten – and dove right into it like she was born to go – even though some of us (read: Sara) had a tough time with it… Sam started second grade and has already decided it’s easy… and we bought a soon-to-be gigantic dog, who is mild mannered as can be, most likely because he is too tired from growing. In the first three weeks we’ve had him, he’s gained 14 pounds – and for those of you who aren’t mathematically inclined, that’s an average of 3/4 of a pound per day…  So we’re off and running, most of the time to uncharted territory, it seems, but at least we have friends to depend on along the way.

Sorry

Been a long time, hasn't it? It usually is, I know. Some how I can't seem to get it together as often as I'd like (or as often as my sister does) but I haven't forgotten about this blog. We've done a bundle since the last time I was here... gone on vacation, gotten a new puppy, been through painting and construction, and tried to stop the summer from flying by (which was unsuccessful, by the way). But we're still here. At the moment, unshowered, tired and here.
Basically, I came here just to fill in some space, and promise that there will be more to come. For those of you out of the loop, our last few days have been completely dog. If you haven't had a puppy in the house before, it's a heck of a lot like having a kid... life stops for a while, and everything you do is structured around walking, feeding, training, and rescuing shoes that are moments away from being chewed into bits. On the plus side it doesn't last forever, just feels a bit like it... More reports on us and Madigan's East Jesus Agent Buttersteve to come....

Pour Away The Ocean And Sweep Up The Woods

We drove to Atco, of all places, fifteen years ago to get our first dog Satchmo. He was barely the size of a coke can when we saw him, stumbling around in a cardboard box with three other baby Bostons, and we had no idea what we were doing. We didn’t know how to pick out a puppy, how we were going to find the time to walk him every twenty minutes, how much money we would spend over the years, and how much he would change our house.

Judging by the number I dogs I know named Marley, lots of people have a ‘first dog’ experience. We lived in Philly when he was young, in the center of everything, and he was raised by the neighborhood as much as he was raised by the two of us. Everyone knew him – kids would plop down on the sidewalk to say hello, restaurants would give us leftover bones from osso bucco, and when they built a new playground a few blocks away, the let him put his paw prints in the wet cement and carved ‘Satchmo the Cornchip” above them. For fifteen years he would stretch himself out against my leg to fall asleep, and stand directly over my face, just staring at me, until I woke up in the morning. He was fearless when he needed to be, gentle when he had to be, and next to me whenever he could be.

In the last year or so, he lost a lot of things. His sight, for one, which didn’t slow him down at first. Then one after another, new problems came – his heart, his spleen, his kidneys – then after a while he stopped getting up to see me when I came home, and would wait on his bed till I came over to him. In the last few days he was lost, and wasn’t our dog anymore, and it was like a thick fog rolled over the house… and then, on a Saturday morning a few weeks ago, when we woke up he was barely able to move. I took him to the vet,  she held my hand while we talked about him, and when he stopped breathing I slipped his collar into my pocket and walked down the steps alone.

Since then, I’ve started and stopped this post more than a dozen times. What I’ve discovered is that I just can’t write this post well. I could go on for days, and pages, and none of it would be what I really want to say. He was just a dog, after all. Just a dog that somehow over the last 15 or so years managed to steal my heart when I wasn’t paying attention.

Silver Trays

When my grandparents lived on Long Island, life was good. Summer vacations in Center Moriches were heaven for a kid from Jersey, and on days when we didn’t even leave the house we went crabbing on the bulkhead, caught eels, sea robins, and baby bluefish from the dock, watched the phosphorescent jellyfish at night, and had spectacular pizza. Plus, my grandparents were wicked cool. We squeezed a lot of things into the days while we were there, but for me, one of the most memorable things was pulling out of the creek into the bay. My grandparents had a boat – a small one, with a single Evinrude motor on the back – that we would occasionally take out to go clamming or ride over to Fire Island. The creek that they lived on was nothing to sneeze at, it was wide enough for some pretty impressive boat traffic, but while you were still in the creek, you had to go slow enough not to create any wake – so the ride out towards the open ocean was pretty leisurely. Once we hit open water though, my grandmother would gun it. The sensation, especially as a kid, was unlike any other. The bow of the boat would pop up out of the water as the motor kicked in, and the speed pushing you back against the seats combined with losing sight of the water ahead of us as the bow loomed high above the caps of the waves was thrilling and terrifying all at once. Eventually they moved to a house that was a bit more manageable, and my aunt and uncle moved in (which still made for awesome trips), but eventually they moved on too. My last week on that water was heart wrenching - I wasn’t really a kids any more, but it still felt like I was losing something big.

These days, life from my perspective is a little different. Having kids instead of being one (even though our oldest is seven) still feels new to me. I get some time standing at the bow now and then, but rarely have a seat in the stern… and the thrills are different. We go fishing every year, which I love, but watching Sam or Lily catch something is far better than getting one myself. Plus, there’s dad stuff. They need me for things, which is occasionally awesome. The ‘I got a splinter in my butt, can you take it out’ moments suck a bit, and the ‘oh my god, it’s so unfair, you’ve ruined my life’ drama leaves a bit to be desired, but the ‘that’s so cool!’ moments make it all worth while. Plus, kids say some crazy shit. Seriously , I could sit around all day and make up stuff to say, and it wouldn’t be nearly as funny as the things that pop out of their mouths. For example… ah, I can’t think of anything at the moment. Get your own kids.

What I find myself worrying about from time to time, is whether or not they have their moments on the back of the boat. I think they do, we try anyway. We sure as hell cram stuff in, and there aren’t a lot of days that we aren’t running around like loons… and when we aren’t, we have perfected the art of doing absolutely nothing at all (the four of us can make some spectacular ass dents in a couch when we want to). Thing is, I can’t really tell what sticks with them and what doesn’t. One example from an endless list – for the first time, we all had the same spring break week off, and decided to make the most of it (well, Sara did to be honest, since she is the master planner of our relationship). We actually had a good plan, we had some days at home to chill out, some little mini trips planned, a night in NY to see a show, and a night in Philly to roam around. Relaxing, and fun. That was the plan… and it really was, I have to say I had a great week. But in retrospect, the amount of work that went in to the week was staggering – there were tickets, reservations, dog sitters… and an endless number of phone calls, texts, favors cashed in, and friends who moved things around to spend a little time with us. At one point, we were in my favorite hotel in Philly, in an extraordinary corner suite we weaseled our way into, after we got back from a dinner at one of my all time favorite places (in our own private dining room, no less) with some great friends of ours… and after we got home, you know what my kids said the best part was? When we got room service.

Which troubled me. Immensely. Because they had a great time, and happily told anyone who would listen everything we did during the week… but I thought about it, and you know what? It’s all good. I have no idea what hoops my parents and grandparents jumped through for me while I was growing up. I don’t really know the sacrifices or choices they made because of me, but I remember sitting in the back of that boat, I wouldn’t trade that memory for the world.

I'm With You In Rockland

I read Howl in college, and then read it again. And again. Not out of love, any real understanding, or even some sophomoric connection to the beat generation - but out of curiosity. It changed each time. Confusing and enlightening, hopeful, empty. But it stuck, words and verses that pop up when the occasion calls, and sometimes when it doesn't.
About a month ago, in the machinery of the night, I couldn't breathe. Not completely, but just enough to erase every other pain I had at the moment. It went away, and the next day the pain started. It was mobile and sporadic, sometimes worse than others, but always there in the background. For weeks it hung around, surprising me when it came. Sometimes as a dull burn in the background, and others as sharp as a needle, pushing through me in a flash so cold I was left shaken from head to toe. After a while it was like I'd grown a tail - heavy and clumsy it changed how I moved. Waiting for it to show itself again, I was living in slow motion, gingerly moving from one part of my day to the next.
... which led to panic after a while. When there is an endpoint for me, when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, pain settles into a comfortable old foe. Working in the kitchen has its good points - one of them is leaving everything behind when I go home. When I walk in our front door, and everything is finished, I don't carry around the stress of the day like I did with every other job. In return for that luxury, I pay with flesh, sweat and blood while I'm working. Busy days are an assault on my feet, back, hands and arms; and busy days mean we leave with scars and makeshift bandages. But it ends, you just push the pain away, like it was never there. With this I couldn't see the end, and it was terrifying. Each icy needle that would creep into my chest would send me into a panic, and I was scared to be alone... scared I would be driving the kids when it happened, scared that they might need me and I couldn't help, and scared that some morning I wouldn't wake up.
A week ago Sunday I was working alone in the kitchen, then drove out to Lafayette Hill to make a delivery, and I found myself hoping I would make it there. Then hoping I would make it back, hoping I would make it home again, and I couldn't shake it. For an afternoon I was Carl Solomon, without any way to dig myself out of the panic... but I made it home, kissed Sara and the kids, and went to the hospital. Walking through the doors, getting fast-tracked onto a bed, and just being there, was the first time I felt safe in weeks.
They tested, and still are, everything. At first for the obvious things, then for the possible, and now, for the guesses. The panic is gone, but I'm left with hands and a heart that don't feel like mine, and no desire to write a lighthearted post. What I know is that this will pass, and something else - good or bad - will fill up the space that this leaves behind.

Learning To Fish

I had a dream the other day. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at my feet, slowly swishing them back and forth in the water that was my floor. Inches below the surface my toes rubbed on butterscotch colored rocks, each one smooth and as perfect as the one next to it. Then, ever so slowly, I lowered my feet onto the rocks, putting my weight on one foot, then the other, and stood up. For an eternity, I stared down at my feet and watched the water turn around them, gliding silently over each curve of flesh and stone. When I raised my head, I was fully submerged, and woke up in a panic.
And it snowed. Snowed like mad, for those of you that don't live around here. It snows more in other places, but other places are ready for it. It's like catering in that way. I had a dinner last Friday for 350 people that we could have done in our sleep. It was simple food, a simple set up, and since we had the right people, space, and equipment, I didn't even start working on it till Thursday afternoon. On the other hand, if the party came up out of nowhere, I would have been scrambling like mad... like everyone did around here (myself included) when we got about four feet of snow in less than a week. We ran out of plows, salt, shovels, manpower, and time. So what might have been any other winter in Colorado or Ontario, stopped time in Philadelphia. With the snow came some moments of panic for me too. We watched roads close down as they became impassable, watched it pile up outside, and watched the news of towns around us lose electricity one after the other. During the blizzard in 1996 we holed up in our apartment with a stack of wood for the fireplace and a case of wine, and it was easy. Everything shut down, and we rode it out without a care in the world. This year, things are a bit more complicated. When our lights flickered, I thought about the kids, and wondered where in the world we could take them if the house got too cold. Sara's place in my life, apparently, is to remind me that this isn't the end of the world, and we'll see the other side of this winter when the time comes. What we haven't seen in weeks, is the grass. We're still buried, and the new storm is here, quietly filling in the patches we've managed to clear.
We've managed too, managed to carve our way out and focus on bigger things. We crammed in birthdays, rescheduled some, and put out enough of life's little fires to keep my mind occupied for most of the past few weeks. And then this morning while I was driving Lily to school, I turned a corner onto a street I've seen a thousand times before, and noticed for the first time how the fresh snow in still air rested on every single branch and twig as far as I could see to form a perfect white canopy over the road... and the same drive I take almost every day was for the first time, breathtaking. As trite as it may sound, for just a minute it made all of the hassles of the last few weeks worthwhile. Because no matter how much I would like things to be easy, the easy days are rarely worth my time.

Blogging As A Thirtysomething

For the past few months, I've been waiting for my midlife crisis. Hoping, even. Unfortunately, I couldn't buy a Ferrari even if I wanted to... but I thought at the very least I would freak out at some point and wake up hours later in the middle of a pile of KFC buckets. So far, nothing. I've thought a lot about turning forty though. For those of you who are past it, it probably doesn't seem like that remarkable of an occasion, like turning thirty seems to me now - just another day. For me, at this moment in time - with or without my midlife crisis - turning forty seems huge. But for the life of me, I haven't quite figured out why.
In retrospect, my thirties were like one long class in college - as they zipped by I learned a few things, towards the end I was cramming, and the past few weeks have been like an all-nighter. Maybe, in a way, this is what my midlife crisis is supposed to be. The past few weeks have been filled to the brim with work problems, kid worries, a few surprises, and just life in general... and a week ago, a friend of ours gave us some news (that I won't talk about here) that shook me to the core. For a few days, Sara and I circled the wagons. We stayed up after the kids went to bed and talked - about us. About how we started things twenty years ago, about how we've changed and stayed the same. About where we've been, where we're going, and why we're going there... and since then I've been trying to focus on the fact that whatever happens, sometimes the grass is greener on our side of the fence. But trying to keep a lid on everything has made me feel remarkably old... because, I guess, I am.
One of the things that suffers, as you may have noticed, is this blog. I promised myself that I'd write a new post before I turned forty - and here I am, only hours away, completely spent. I had planned to go out and spend my last night as a 39 year old pretending I was 21 again so I would have something worth writing about, but by the time the day started to wind down what I wanted to do most was just be here, with everyone safe at home. I know, I'm old. But at the moment there is nothing I'd rather do than be right here... and when all is said and done, when I wake up in my forties, I'll be the same. Bone, blood, and name. What I hope does change, with a little bit of sleep, is my ability to write a post worth reading...
Oh, and one last thing - a long overdue note to my wife's co-workers who read this blog. You're right, and don't let her fool you into thinking otherwise by telling you how grouchy I am in real life. I love her more than anything. To borrow a line - for the past twenty years, the best part of me has always been her.