Behind The Green Door

On the heels of our trip to Puerto Rico, Satchmo hasn't been doing that well. For the past year or so he has aged really quickly, and a few weeks ago he collapsed. It's not as dramatic as it sounds though - I came home, he woke up and got really excited, and then just sort of fainted. He was down for about a minute and when he came to just seemed to walk it off. We took him to the vet anyway, and instead of finding out why he passed out they found a tumor on his spleen about the size of a peach. To add insult to injury, this seemed to have nothing to do with his collapse, and now we had two problems to figure out.
Since then we has been back and forth from different vets, and some of the news has been better than we expected. The tumor which at first they thought could burst at any moment, seems to be stable at the moment, and even though it needs to be removed doesn't seem like the sort of thing that is immediately life threatening.
Today Satchmo and I went to the cardiologist to see if we could figure out the deal with the fainting, and after he had an ultrasound we found out that one of the reasons might have been the fact that he has pulmonary hypertension. Which, to be honest, sort of pissed me off. Granted, I don't have the hardest life, but I'm stressed. Kids, work, money, life in general - you name it, and I'm stressed about it. Satchmo, on the other hand, has to decide which room to fart in... and that's pretty much it. On top of that, the way you treat pulmonary hypertension in dogs is by giving them Viagra.
Seriously. And now I'm really pissed. You know what good drugs I get? Nothin. I'm creeping up on forty and have new and surprising ailments all the time, and you know the kind of things my doctor suggests? Fish oil. But Satchmo passes out and he gets Viagra - and not only that, but there is a pharmacy in New Jersey that makes Viagra in a liquid form with beef flavoring! Fuck. I wouldn't be surprised at all if his post surgery treatment included bacon flavored cocaine... but god forbid I have a heart attack or something, I'll probably get a brussels sprout salve.
On the positive side, I'm sure his social life will improve. Plus, we might be able to make some extra money by letting him do some porn. Seriously, he's pretty cute, and since he won't be hindered by any sort of moral code, I think he might really enjoy it. I already have a mental list of porn movie titles going...

Up And Away

Finally back from our trip to Puerto Rico, and thought I should share a few things. First of all, it was a spur of the moment thing, and even though we were trying to make it a vacation of sorts for the kids, it wasn't really a vacation for us. We found out we had to go on Tuesday, and by Wednesday we were having lunch at our hotel and had the kids sunscreened up and raring to go.

Luckily, there were plenty of distractions from the task at hand, and right away we were chasing iguanas around the pool and trying to convince Lily that the slide wasn't too scary. If you haven't been, it's an odd sort of paradise down there. Outside of the back doors by the beach the rest of the world melts away. The trees and ocean are beautiful, and it's hard remember what life is like back in the real world... outside of the front door (in San Juan, anyway) people are driving like the world is on fire, and the inner city and resorts fighting for space in a sort of haphazard tangle.

Our drive to the second hotel in Ponce was much of the same - stunning hills and valleys, homes jutting out randomly from the hillsides, and cartoon roadsigns reminding you not to fire your guns into the air at Christmas. You know, for the safety of the kids... and the Hilton was an oasis nestled behind some road construction and an overpass, like it was plunked down without regard for the neighbors.

Sara was gone for most of the next couple of days, catching up with her family and managing her way through her father's funeral, so the kids and I spent the days in an awkward peace. Even though we were trapped at the hotel, the kids were worn to the bone by the time bedtime came around from all of the swimming and running from one activity to the next, which made things a bit easier for all of us. It was odd though, because as beautiful as it was, and as good as the food was (and some of it was really, really good) at the end of every day I was ready to go home - and though she didn't let on, even during downtime at the pool or walking around at night listening to the Coqui, Sara seemed like a shadow of who she was a week before. We were back in San Juan by Saturday, and our last day before the flight home was spent trying to pretend we were ourselves again... plus we got to feel our way though our neighborhood, from the Ritz Carlton to the cockfight ring outside of our bedroom window. And by Sunday night, with the kids fast asleep in the back of the car, we finally made it home, and if I had the energy I would have kissed the ground when we arrived.

I didn't know Sara's father all that well. Aside from the few times we met, most of what I know is stories about what kind of man he was... and from those stories, what I know most about him is the amazing qualities he passed on to his kids. That, and he gave me the best gift I could have ever asked for, my wife.

Grip Slide Breach Barrel Trigger

After a long slow winter, the catering season has officially begun, and not a moment too soon. Is that what I'm supposed to say? Not a moment too soon? Well, I take it back, maybe it started just a moment too soon. After weeks of spring rains and chilly weather, Saturday came with 90 degree weather, which is awesome if you're not working, but not so much with long pants and a chef coat. Don't think I'm complaining about the work, cause I'm not... the money is good, and the jobs are like a 12 hour adrenaline rush, but it would be nice to start slow. That's why the first day of school or a new job is never that bad - you have a little time to work your way into things. Needless to say, on Saturday I didn't have a minute to work my way into things.
To be honest, I was getting pretty stressed by Wednesday. Orders were piling in, and workers were hemming and hawing about the prospect of showing up on a beautiful day to work... and by Friday I was knee deep in event planners who were bickering about the room set up and trying to get me to make menu changes at the last minute. By Friday night things had started to spiral out of control - orders came in wrong, another bar was added to the layout, and in addition to needing another bartender two of our hires backed out... which is why it's good to have friends. After a few hours, a minor heart attack, and a few bribes to a Sysco guy and a sushi chef everything was starting to look up again.
By the way, if you don't have a sushi guy, you should really get one. Honestly, treat yourself. Everyone has a meat guy, a fish guy, a produce guy and a bread guy... but a sushi guy, now that's a fun guy to have. Mine is especially cool because he is completely without emotion. Like a ninja. I missed him for a few days this week, and when I finally caught up with him and told him I needed 450 pieces of sushi trayed up on Saturday morning he raised his right eyebrow ever so slightly... until I said I was sure other jobs would be coming his way, and then he every so slowly lowered it back to standard eyebrow level and got to work.
By Saturday morning it was relentlessly beautiful outside, and I was a ball of stress. Went to the bank, picked up the tasty but emotionless sushi, and got down to work. Kate showed, and we had four hours of final prep work to do, a bit of time to plan our night, and then the hires started showing. First Trina, then Ken and Terri. Colleen and Ann came together, then Jessica (the new girl), then Bo, Sam, Susan, Chris, Sue, Jen, Lori, and finally (14 minutes late by my watch) the other Chris strolled in. Within minutes (I planned ahead! Woohoo!) they were busy as bees setting up the bars and making pitchers of the event's 'signature cocktail', cutting desserts, and assembling my "Centerpiece of Stress" - a 24 foot antipasto table complete with vodka and horseradish marinated tomatoes cascading down from risers, hills of roasted peppers, peppadews, boucheron and brie. Rows of olives and smoked portobello mushrooms snaking their way through flatbreads and sausages, carrots and hummus, tamarind shrimp and prosciutto - all leading directly into a tiny artery in my head and putting me on the verge of a stroke with every passing cornichon. Finally, six hours after I walked in the door, the 270 guests start to roll in and the names of the 22 hors d'oeuvres we have stacked up ready to be tossed in the ovens are drilled into the server's heads.
And for the next six hours, we push.
Then, of course, it's all over and I can't sleep. But I'm free to wander the house while everyone else is sleeping and look for band-aids, surgical tape, Tylenol, and vodka. When I made it upstairs at around four in the morning Lily had taken my spot in the bed, so I curled up in hers under pink sheets and ladybugs. By the time the sun was coming up I was burnt, sore, bandaged, and sleeping. And to be honest, sort of looking forward to the next time...

4:15 - Chess for Beginners, 5:00 - Introduction to the World of Dating the Opposite Sex

Now that Sam is in kindergarten, or should I say the only kindergarten in a 20 square mile radius that isn't a full day program, there are a few days when I dash out of work to get him at 3:20. Aside from the fact that I'm rushing a bit, I can't complain about the time... all in all it's pretty cool. When it's warmer out we play soccer, go to the library at least once a week, occasionally hit Rita's for some water ice... stuff like that.
For the past year or so, Sam has talked about playing chess, I guess because some of the kids in his school play, and he bugs me to play every once in a while. Since I haven't played since I was in sixth grade we're both beginners, and I had to get a chess book out of the library after our first game deteriorated into a fancy looking checkers match. Then, miracle of miracles, the library started a chess club for kids. Every Monday the high school chess club comes in for an hour and plays the kids, some of whom play really well and some first timers like Sam.
Our first week went pretty well. Sam was gung-ho and raring to play, and for his first game he played one of the guys who guided him through the game, telling him how to move & what moves he should make. The second game was against one of the other instructors who was playing two of the kids at once, and still helped him through the game a bit. I just sat back and watched, trying to focus on the positive - chess is a thinking man's game, it takes intelligence, patience, strategy, reasoning and problem solving... but in the end, as I sat and watched I was fascinated by the high school chess club. There, right in front of me, were eight of the dorkiest people I had ever seen. Sure, they were nice guys... but I couldn't get past it and was silently asking myself question after question... How many times have they seen Star Wars? How many cyber alter-egos do they have? How many of them have "girlfriends" who live in the Niagara Falls area? How many of them played the oboe or could speak Klingon? So, to sum up, Sam had fun, and I'm going to hell.

New Beginnings & Bird Poop

Since last time I've been here, I guess you could say I've recovered. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, and I'm honestly surprised at how much a person can bleed without passing out, but aside from some swelling, I'm cool.

To celebrate my new found ability to breathe, I've decided to catch up I everything I was supposed to have done in the last six months but didn't - sounds like quite a party, yes? Luckily, a good chunk of my mental list was little goofy stuff - changing batteries in things, sorting through paperwork, waterproofing my shoes - you know, the things that you probably do every day while I've been sitting on the couch watching reruns of 'The Dating Game'. One of the big things I did was finally buy a new car after hemming and hawing for months. I went with something a little bigger than my Xterra since we had a tendency to fill that from top to bottom and load things on the roof from time to time. I got a Pathfinder, and after it was bought and paid for my lovely wife told me she thought it was more of a 'dad' car since the Xterra was a little sportier - a comment which hurt me more than she'll ever know... but I really like it, and the kids don't want to get out of it since they get to sit back in the third row which is reeeeeally ass-far away from the front seat. The only problem is I seem to be attracting an inordinate amount of birds. I don't know if it's the color, shimmer of new wax, or maybe resembles the shape of a really big Mourning Dove nest - but I'm being shit on all day. Seriously, every time I walk out of the house there is another poo spot on it, and yesterday while I was driving I swear I saw a group of Barn Swallows make an abrupt right turn so that they could fly directly over my windshield.
Another thing we've had in the works for a while was actually planting and taking care of (that's the part we have trouble with) our vegetable garden, and we hatched a plan to keep us somewhat motivated. First of all, we took the kids with us to shop for seeds and had them help us plant them in trays inside. Second, we started a blog so that we would sort of have to keep up with it... you know, once it's out there we'll be forced to show how well it's doing or how high the weeds are. Plus, it's an extra bit of recession-proofing, which can never hurt. Anyway, if you'd like to peek in on it or come by and steal a fresh tomato in the dead of night, you check out the blog here.

Oh, and the kids are fine...

Recovery Post

I have a slew of things to post about - February was full of birthdays, illnesses, surgery, you name it - but at the moment, I'm struggling. I was pretty busy and just didn't feel like writing for the past few weeks, and figured that during my week of post-surgery vacation I could catch up. Here I am though, at the end of my week off, and the thought of typing more than a few paragraphs is more than I can bear. As a funny little sidebar, Sara took some pictures of me in the hospital before the surgery so that I could post them next to some after pictures... unfortunately, I looked at the after pictures on my cell phone today, and they're just way too gross to post. Not that I'm self conscious about my looks, but I had a lot of what the hospital affectionately calls 'seepage'. In the hospital I wasn't concerned at all when the doctor said that I would "have some seepage for the next few days", but it was a different story when I was trying to sleep and realized that he meant I would "have blood running down your face until Tuesday".

Anyseepage, I didn't come to vent, I actually just came to post about my mother's birthday dinner.

First of all, it was my wife's idea... OK, now that I've gotten that out of the way, With Sara as a server, Sam as a pasta machine operator, some classic Abbate conversation, and some help from Taylor Rental, it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Hopefully, since the shebang was for my parents (and my mother's 70th, of course) they felt the same way. Anyway, thanks all around - to the Abbates for livening up the place, to my wife for putting up with my anal-retentive table setting procedures, and my parents for, well, everything. So without further ado, here are the pics and the menu, and I'm going to lay down and quiver... oh, btw, my mother made a chocolate pecan pie for dessert which was so good we forgot to take a picture... or we were drunk, either one...

Sam and I frantically making basil pasta

Setting the table just in time

Seared Bluefin Ahi Tuna Loin with
Spicy Sesame Seaweed and Roasted Pepper Coulis
2005 Jekel Vineyards
Monterey Gewurztraminer

Handrolled Basil Pasta with
Acorn and Butternut Squash Ragu
& 24k Gold Leaf
1999 Viberti Giovanni
Barolo Reserva San Pietro

Grilled Red Curry Zabuton Beef with
Baby Spinach and Wild Mushroom in
Balsamic Reduction
2006 Elizabeth Spencer
Cabernet Sauvignon
Proprietor Blend Special Cuvee

Spring Greens with
Ginger Juice Pears & Sweet Basil Vinaigrette (picture taken after my father ate half of it... kinda changes the presentation a bit...)
2007 Pine Ridge
Oakville Chenin Blanc-Viognier

Day of Service

In the red velvet cake of life, the third day of a three day weekend is the cream cheese frosting... and not the cream cheese frosting that your neighbor makes that even though they insist is "everyone's favorite!" tastes like sweetened spackle, I mean the cream cheese frosting that is actually good. I feel a little guilty saying it because I like my job, and should have grown out of it by now, but I just love the extra day. Usually, our weekends are pretty packed, and this one was no exception. We picked the kids up from school on Friday and went right to Beaumont Elementary Bingo Night; got up on Saturday and went to Lily's ballet class, then to Sam's tennis practice, then off to dinner at my aunt's house; got up on Sunday and made chili for the Eagles game/birthday party/chili cookoff that afternoon... and we filled in the gaps with laundry, trips to the supermarket, video store, etc... But Monday, glorious Monday, was a freebie. All we had planned was a trip to the movies. Seriously. That's it. Of course, because the four of us having a relaxing day at home would set the order of the universe askew, we got the shaft once again. By 6:30 in the morning Sam was in our room with a fever and sore throat, so we put the movie on hold and made a doctor's appointment... still, could be worse... It snowed about six inches or so too, as if God looked down and said "hmm, what does Joe hate more than anything... I know! Heights! Wait, that won't work, I can't just put him on top of something... what else, what else.. snow! That's it! Haha! That'll fix that little trying-to-relax-on-a-Monday, left-the-catholic-church-to-become-a-Unitarian bastard!" By lunchtime I was going stir-crazy from watching Sam groan all morning, and since the roads looked pretty clear from my window, decided to run out to buy dog food since we were completely kibble-free. About halfway there I realized what a mistake it was to drive, and honestly wished I would given them some zabuton from my freezer and gone to the pet store on Tuesday. Too late to turn back, I drove on, and just as I got to the parking lot watched a car spin off of Rt. 202, roll up the grassy shoulder, and crash into a fence separating the highway from the access road. Sensing that perhaps this would add some good karma into my day, it skittered across the road and ran down the snowy hill to the side of the highway. As I got to the fence, a couple was getting out of the car and seemed freaked out but otherwise OK. I talked to them for a couple of minutes until a tow truck arrived, but apparently Sadguru wasn’t watching because as I tried to make my way back to the my car, the hill that I had so effortlessly ran down required an ice pick and crampons to get back up. Since they were in my other coat, I spent a good ten minutes clawing my way up the first half of the hill, at which point I briefly considered giving up entirely and letting the gently falling snow slowly cover my substantial frame... dreaming one day people would mention Chris McCandless’ name and mine in the same breath. Luckily, the light from the Petsmart sign gave me the strength to go on, and I slid into our driveway just in time to take Sam to the doctor...
... where we found out the he has strep throat again. As the icing on the cake of my day, after our hour long, three mile drive home, our power went out. For the rest of the night, as our 68 degree house gradually equalized with the 16 degree outside, we watched my laptop and cell phone batteries die, the flashlights grow dimmer, and my iTouch fade into darkness. Eventually, we gave up. Sara and Lily piled into our bed with Sam so they could feed off of his feverish heat, and I went downstairs to blow out the last of our candles and curled up with the dogs on the couch.
Funny thing is, in the pitch black cold of our living room, I couldn’t help but smile thinking about the talent show by candlelight Sara had started to keep the kids busy, the way a feverish Sam couldn’t help but giggle as he jostled for position in our too tiny bed, how Satchmo snored his way through another dark day, and how if I froze to death on the couch they might make Into The Wild 2 – The Suburban Tundra.

Walking To School Barefoot. Both Ways.

I noticed since we've gotten back into the groove of things after the holidays, that everyone seems older.
I for one, am crotchety. I have this weird sinus thing and haven't been sleeping well at night since November - not to mention the daytime, which is punctuated by dizzy spells and bouts of throbbing pain. As a result, I have been buckling my pants well above my waistline, eating dinner at around 4:30 in the afternoon, and have no idea what kids today are thinking with their crazy haircuts, rock and roll music, and universal remote controls. In my day if you wanted to change the channel you had to get up and change the channel, and you were damn glad to catch a few shows before the test pattern came on.
Sam has a plan. He has ideas about robots he'll build, followed up by intricate diagrams and elaborate explanations of how it should function. He has plans to lead a healthier life, which include exercise programs and packing his own lunch. He wants to be a rock star, a chef, and study volcanoes. He talks about conflict resolution, quizzes me with math problems, reads(!), is fiercely competitive but rubs his Buddha in the morning and will gladly show you a yoga move, and gladly puts on a tie without a single complaint. A month ahead of time, he seems to have left being a five year old far behind him, and has his eyes dead set on 18.
Lily, who's creeping up on four, has become a woman of extremes. In the span of a day she is the most stubborn and demanding person in my life, and then is relentlessly affectionate. In her mind there is nothing better on earth than picking out her clothes, putting on high heels and getting her nails done - but she will gladly smear chocolate over her entire head. She seems almost desperate for Sam to love her, hangs on his every word, and the happiest moments in her life are when she can make him laugh... and then, in an instant, she'll take a deep breath and say, "Sam, you're annoying me." and it'll end.
Even the dogs have changed since the new year. Satchmo can barely see a thing, but has held up pretty well considering... I get to see his personality when I get home from work, he'll find his way over and shakes his entire rear half like mad just like he used to when I walk in the door, but these days I'm devastated that I'm the only one who gets to see it. There was a time when he would never back down from a bone, a ball, or a fight; but these days he can't be bothered, or just can't keep up. He'll still move Stella out of the way to sit next to me on the couch, and nudge me with his enormous head in the morning until I scratch him with my chin - but I end up carrying him off of the bed, into the car, and down the steps just like I did fourteen years ago when he was small enough to fit in my coat pocket. Stella has taken it in stride too. She's mellowed out too, no matter what my wife tells you, and has even eased up on Satchmo a bit, as if she was talking about him in a hushed whisper.
My wife, in part because she reads this blog, continues to get younger every day. Oh, and they're laugh lines, dammit.

The Village People

Dr. Who

As odd as this feels to write, I had a marvelous Thanksgiving. Honestly. Most holidays, you'll have to admit, have some amount of stress attached to them. As if all the planets mysteriously aligned, I had a great time. Most of it, I think can be attributed to the food high I had after going to Maria's house. I'm used to being around large volumes of food, but don't often have an entire full size chafer just to myself... so yeah, I'm still full.

Not to blow past the majesty of our meal, but I'm sure you all ate enough to imagine... Anyway, the next morning we were on our way back to Moorestown, and finally stopped at Rutgers since we talk about it almost every time we drive by. The first stop, of course, was the grease trucks. I feel like since I am passionate about food, the kids should be exposed to all sorts of things... granted, they don't eat much of anything at the moment, but we'll wear them down eventually. When we pulled up in the car, Sam (who once ate a piece of corn off of the ground in a chicken coop) first reaction was "It's a truck? That they make food in? Is that clean?" "Of course," I said, and then mumbled under my breath "if by clean you mean there isn't a raccoon working the grill". Of course, I had no choice but to get the Fat Cat for old times sake - which is a sandwich made out of two hamburgers, fries, lettuce and tomato, topped off with some sort of orange sauce. Oh, I think there was an egg in there too. Unfortunately, it was about 20 degrees out, so we had to eat in the car instead of right there on the street... but the grease still tasted just like Rutgers... We made some stops on the way out too - old houses, stomping grounds, bars, shops, and streets I've walked hundreds of times.

Back in Moorestown, I spent the rest of the weekend with some of my oldest friends at my 20th high school reunion. To be honest, there's too much to say... what I can tell you is that I came home feeling blessed. Blessed for what I had then, and for what I have now.

Brown Paper Packages, My Ass

I've been meaning to write a post about the wedding, but haven't really had the energy to revisit the whole thing. For those lucky folks out there who haven't catered a wedding before, I'm not even sure where to begin... In general, if you were to call me on a Friday afternoon and ask me to cater a party for 150 people the next day - assuming I could get some deliveries and a few people to serve - I could do it without breaking a sweat. If you are having 150 people in for a wedding though, better give me a few months notice. The thing is, weddings are tricky. People are excited to have parties - sure, they're a little nervous and hope things go right, but for the most part they assume parties will be fun. Weddings on the other hand, are all about what might go wrong... oh, and brides (and grooms, to be fair) like to heap on at least one ridiculous expectation. This last one, for example, had a full hors doeuvres and dinner menu (with four different entrees, no less) and neglected to mention when she was deciding on the menu that the facility's "real commercial kitchen! Isn't that great?" didn't have any ovens.... Which was totally fine though - because in the end after weeks of work getting insurance riders, dealing with three rental companies, twelve different hires, coordinating with both set of parents and an anal-retentive florist (all of whom were so thoughtfully given my phone number by the bride), four truckloads (literally) of equipment and food, setting up tables, chairs and chair covers, tablecloths, place settings, centerpieces, a candy table and buffet lines according to the bride's AutoCAD rendition of the hall, not to mention actually making food - the last thing I minded doing was cooking in $1200 worth of rented ovens under a little tent outside in the blinding forty degree rain.
Yeah, that was sarcasm, in case you didn't notice.
In the end, a month of stress and assload of work lead to some unexpected realizations. For one, I realized that if you give a DJ enough food, they will play a Sugarhill Gang song whenever the hell you want them to.
Second, after stressing too much to give a damn about the rest of the world, when I'm finished I fall in love with stuff all over again. Passionately. Like lemurs, for instance. I've always had a thing for lemurs (meerkats, too) but I saw a show about lemurs the other day - almost cried. Seriously. Love me a good lemur show. Never particularly liked kittens or their whiskers, raindrops on roses, or clothes made out of curtain material - but I'm all about freaky looking primates. Oh, and you know what else? Mushrooms, duck meat, goat cheese, pumpkins, red curry and coconut milk, cheddar grits, and fresh figs.
Third, I've lost my patience for idiots. If you tell me you're a waiter and I have to explain what cilantro is, please know that for the rest of the evening until I pay you I'm going to treat you like shit.... and fresh out of today's paper - if you are a college student and break into a panda's cage to give it a hug because it's so cute, you deserve to be mauled. It's a panda BEAR, and you are a fucking idiot.

Finding the Pearl

Sara has been absurdly busy for the past couple of weeks, which make for a nutty household... makes me appreciate having kids that are a little older though. At the moment, Sam and Lily are old enough to fend for themselves a bit, and i can do things like take a shower without worrying that downstairs someone is putting cheese into the DVD player. Not to say that they wouldn't try if I happened to leave a pile of cheese in front of the DVD player, which is why (I'm assuming) cheese drawers were invented in the first place. This morning, for example, not only did I take a shower, but I had two - that's right I said TWO - double espressos before I got Lily into her ballet gear and Sam into soccer duds, squeezed every drop of pee out of them so we wouldn't add 10 bathroom trips into our schedule, fed everyone, and headed out of the house with our bag of snacks, drinks and water bottles, shoe changes, extra clothes, my newspaper, an epi-pen, and Nintendo DS for good measure.

On the plus side, I did come across an epicurean delight I wouldn't have found if Sara was home. We hardly ever have fast food, but every once in a while we'll stop somewhere... and the other night I ended up taking the kids to Wendy's after a few minutes of Wendy's-themed chanting from the back seat. Long staring-at-the-menu-story short, I ended up getting the 'Baconator' simply because, well, how can you not order something called the Baconator? Seriously. Could they have come up with a more delicious name? I think not. It just rolls right off the tongue. Try it - B-A-C-O-N-A-T-O-R. See? I want one right now. Couldn't be better if they called it the "You Are Really Attractive, Have A Great Sense Of Humor and a Large Penis" sandwich. Anyway, in case you haven't had one, they're spectacular. Granted, I had to go through a complicated desalination process afterwards, but it was worth it. I think if you skipped church and had a Baconator instead, God would be like, "Yeah, I'll give you that one."

So we're finally back at the house, drawing aliens and ponies and waiting for Sara to come home, but all is well. It occurred to me this morning that the best way to help her through hectic days is to make sure she doesn't have to worry about anything at home. So at the moment I'm trying my best to keep the kids happy and healthy... and me, well, as long as Wendy's doesn't scale back their menu in these trying financial times, I'll be just fine.

Oh, by the way, thanks for the pictures dad... perfect.

Dragon at the Door

Hey, you know how I start every post, don't you? That's right, "well it's been a long time since I've blogged..." I know, shut up.

Since the 'Hallmark' post we've been crazed - we spent our 10th anniversary in Philly at the Rittenhouse Hotel, and in case you haven't been, it's pretty freakin nice. Of course, since Vir and Ehren sent a bottle of champagne that was waiting in our room for us when we arrived, it made the room seem that much better. A side note to all of you readers out there - by all means, send us champagne. We'll like you more, and we'll make a make a mental list of all of our other friends that aren't spectacular enough to send us bottles... wine or scotch is also acceptable. Oh, and before I forget to mention it, my wife is great and all, blah blah blah, but the food we had that weekend was absurdly good. Really, really good. I don't even know where to begin. Plus, I had someone in a tuxedo bring me toothpaste on a silver platter... and there was a tv in the bathroom. I had a blueberry muffin while I was sitting on the toilet watching the end of Coyote Ugly. It was seriously one of the highlights of my life.

Sam started kindergarten and soccer the week after we got back, so we went right from the summer to rushing around to two different schools, soccer practice, teacher meetings, etc. It was wickedly stressful for me the first few days, and half of the stress was worrying about the boy. I thought it would be sort of a big deal for him - new school, new teachers, new friends - but he didn't seem to let it bug him for a second. As a matter of fact, I'm not so sure he even wanted me to pick him up as early as I did. I'm used to it now, but it's still weird to see him trudge off to class with his backpack bouncing off his heels at each step. He's just old. Creeps me out.

Lily, finally, has fulfilled her lifelong dream and become an official ballerina. She has the tutu, the ballet slippers, and a class of like-minded three year olds, so she's good to go. I'm honestly surprised she actually let Sara drive her home afterwards, I just thought she would abandon us entirely and start to tour with a tiny ballet company.

Still, September keeps me on my toes no matter how well things are panning out, and I can't help but feel like I'm walking a tightrope. Luckily, I've got a couple of things to hang on to...

Hallmark

So ten years, it's been, since we tied the knot. Periodically throughout the day, Sara would ask, "so what were you doing right now ten years ago?". I suppose because of the nature of the day, I can actually remember the day pretty well - and my timing might be a little off, as well as the last hour or so at the hotel bar - but for the most part I can picture right where I was.
In retrospect, I guess there are a few things about the wedding that I would have done differently, and as long as we're being honest, there are more than a few things about the last ten years that I would have done differently. I would have gone to the pasta station, for one... and I'm certain I can fill in the gaps between then and now pretty easily.
I can't imagine ever changing the course of things, though. In the past ten years (and 18 that we've been together, as long as we're talking numbers) I've been through the best and the worst times of my life, spent moments speechless with joy, terrified, distraught, overwhelmed, and everything between. What defines those moments though, isn't just what was happening, but the fact that she has been next to me the whole time. Good and bad, without question or hesitation, when I expected her to be there, and even when I couldn't imagine she would be. So for those of you who are looking for a funny post, some pictures, or good Sunday morning read, I sincerely apologise for the next paragraph -
Twelve years ago or so, when we were living together and not yet engaged, my father in his not-so-subtle way of trying to get my ass in gear, asked me what our intentions were. At one point in our brief discussion on the matter, he said that the reason for getting married was to have the opportunity to say in front of all of your friends and family that you love the other person and intend to spend the rest of your life with them. A pretty romantic notion coming from my father, I thought. So in front of everyone I know, and everyone that lands on this page by hitting "Next Blog" at the top of the screen, I would just like to say to my wife - I adore you. I love the way your eyes look when you're tired, and the way your hand feels on top of mine. I love the way your hair looks like Tim Burton's when you wake up, the way you wipe chocolate off of Lily's face, the way your voice changes when you're on the phone, watching you cut the crusts off, the sound of your purse hitting the floor when you get home from work, the way your eyes wander off when you're ignoring me, and the way you tilt your head to the left while you're drying your hair. I love the trails from pretzel rods in our peanut butter jar, the fact that you've seen the movie "Major Payne" more than once, and the way you make every place we go feel like home.
So here we are, 18 years after we met, and ten years after we got married - and you know what? Maybe I should have had the pasta, but I wouldn't trade a moment with you for anything in the world.
Oh, and I forgot to get you an anniversary card...

Beautiful Blueberries

It has been a lifetime, it seems, since I've been on this page. We've been on vacation and back, done some construction, worked, rested, eaten, laughed, cried, and recovered since I've been here. Believe it or not, I've actually learned some things about myself - where I want to be, what my priorities are, what I can forgive people for, and what I can't. Strange summer, when all was said and done. But do you want to hear about it, or even care? No, probably not... and even if you do, well that's just tough cookies, cause I'm pressing on.

I was getting ready to blog and composing a little post in my head about the last month while looking through some recent pics, and decided I had to get something up... which means, a picture-rich post is in order. Funny thing I discovered... when I look through the camera I see the chaos, fear, hilarious absurdity, and frenetic pace of my days captured in little rectangles... and scrolling through my album leaves me either laughing out loud or wishing I was Chris McCandless with a better map. The first handful of pictures are just that - attitudes, backrubs, puddle jumping and mohawks.

Last, you'll see Lily through my father's camera. The girl he sees makes me catch my breath every time I look at her, and sends chills from my cheeks down to my fingertips like pinpricks that make me want to shake my hands till the feeling passes. So for today, at least, I'm going to try and see things through his lens as well as mine.

On The Road Again

If there is one thing the kids didn't get from me, it's flexibility. Maybe it's because they don't have a choice in some things, but I'd like to think that they roll with the punches pretty well. We spent the weekend on the road again, and it turned out to be a pretty cool couple of days. We were at Griffin's baptism up in north jersey, and got to see a bunch of people we don't run into all that often anymore.

The kids and I hustled to Wagsworth Manor first thing in the morning, stopped at the store on the way back, picked up Sara and got in the car again, hauled ass for another two hours up to Scotch Plains, stopped at the church, back in the car to a restaurant in Plainfield, then back in the car to Mar's house in Scotch Plains, back in the car to dinner in Somerset, back in the car to Maria and Kevin's in Middlesex, off to bed on a comforter on the floor, back in the car to Malvern, and home to Berwyn by Sunday night... see? All that in one sentence. In between all of that GPS programming, I remembered why I miss everyone up there so much. No matter where we stopped on the road, it felt like home. Plus, Lily wore her Kimono Twingy for the first time. Who could ask for more than that?

The Longest Yard

Looking back, I'm not sure I'll remember how much of a challenge these last couple of weeks has been - because there have been a few highlights that will stay with me for a while.

Sara has been working like mad this month, which kind of changes the way we roll a bit... and when she works hard, she doesn't just come home late and grumpy - she throws herself into things and stays up for days at a time... calls faithfully at nine every night to give goodnight kisses to the kids, helps them get dressed in the morning, and spends every other waking second on the phone or in front of the computer. It's pretty impressive actually, because I think that she is genuinely happy when she's under the gun, staying up till five in the morning but making progress... and somehow manages to keep the kids blissfully unaware that she is pushing herself like a freight train. My account of this, I'm sure, is different than hers - but never fear, by the time she gets to the end of this paragraph I will be corrected, and my next post will surely be a retraction of some sort.

Meanwhile, I've been slowly slipping from a busy season into a slow but steady stream of work. Aside from the sinus infection that was bad enough to have me thinking about dragging the kids with me to the hospital on Tuesday night, there were some bright spots that smoothed everything over. One of the people I cater for on a regular basis had me for a couple of days this week. Over the last few years she has become my favorite people to work for - don't get me wrong, she is more than happy to work me to death, but always tips really well and in general is a pretty cool person. After a couple of days at her house, not only did she tip well, but gave me a case and a half of wine because she was reorganizing her cellar. Eighteen bottles of Mad Dog would even be nice, but she threw together some things like a 1990 Bollinger Grand Annee, some 1995 port, some Pine Ridge Pinot, and on and on... feel like I just got married...

To top off the whole deal, we got a house in the Poconos for the long weekend so Sara could decompress from the deal she just finished working on. I wasn't really sold on the whole thing from the get-go, but we ended up having a pretty cool time. Sam learned to fish, and spent hours with me on the lake even though we only caught a few crappy fish... and both of the kids got a good dose of back-woods Pennsylvania. The lake where we were staying was pretty private, and you had to have access cards to get through the gates to get into the little complex of cabins, so we were in our own sort of manufactured seclusion - but once we went beyond the gates into the real world we were deep in the middle of Pennsylvania's NRA loving, dentist hating, roadkill recipe-devising heartland. There were some pretty cool flea markets though, and it was really easy for us to find bait, ammo, and fireworks. Plus, we got to see a woman with two teeth and a "Danger! High Voltage Bitch!" t-shirt. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't really surprised that she was wearing the shirt, and just can't wrap my mind around how she actually got the shirt. I pretty much ruled out gift, so she must have picked it out... but was it on a rack with other bitch-themed shirts, and if so, how do you choose? Bitch on Wheels? Sexy Bitch? Biker Bitch? I'm Not a Bitch, I'm THE Bitch , and it's MISS BITCH to You? Danger, High Voltage Bitch! That's it! That's the one! I am a high voltage bitch! Anyway, were back and smelling like roasted marshmallows and nightcrawlers, so I'm gonna shower...

Screwing With Magellan

Great Father's Day weekend, thanks to the wife and our sea of offspring. I did have to wear a "World's Greatest Dad" medal from Lily on Saturday, and a "I Love My Dad!" shirt with a picture of Sam on it on Sunday, but I had such a nice couple of days I hardly even noticed everyone staring at my chest all weekend. There was all of the love and Hallmark moments of course, but the three things I'll most certainly remember from this weekend are a great find, a gift, and a story.
First of all, I found the Fisher Price Castle that I've been looking for for a couple of years. Not any Fisher Price Castle, mind you, but THE Fisher Price Castle #993 from 1974 that we had when I was a kid. I don't know what it is about this thing, but it's one of those toys that I remembered playing with for years... I remember all of the pieces - the pink dragon, the woodsman and knight, dining room table complete with painted drumsticks, and of course the secret room under the stairs - I don't even know how to describe it, but if any of you out there had one, you'll know what I mean. Sara, who didn't have one growing up, looked at it sitting in the hallway this morning and said that she thought the kids were too old, that they wouldn't play with it... of course, she underestimated the power of the #993, and by Sunday night they were completely absorbed... sucked in by the power of the castle....
When I woke up on Sunday morning - as if Sara could read my innermost thoughts and desires, even the stupid electronic-related ones - she gave me a GPS for the car. Amazing thing, this... On our drive into Jersey this morning, I asked for the fastest route, and blindly followed the instructions - and even though I wouldn't have picked the way it sent me, I was pretty impressed by how well it worked, and its route might have been a bit faster than mine. On the way home we were testing the limits a bit, and it didn't take much prodding to start screwing around. "Look, there are four cars lined up ahead of us, we should find an alternate route!" Sara said in as much urgency as she could muster. So we asked, and it gave us a detour... and I followed it - for a bit. Since I knew where I was, I simply ignored the next instruction and turned off to see what would happen. After a couple of beeps, a soothing voice comes on that says "Please make a legal u-turn at your next available opportunity", and when I continued on, I thought I sensed a bit of panic, "PLEASE MAKE A U-TURN AT YOUR NEXT AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY". Two blocks later, "Please, just turn right here. I won't say anything, just go"... then some disappointed beeps, and then, "(sigh) Recalculating route..." No matter what I did, it found a way, but the coolest part was the ending. As we were pulling up to our house it gave us the last few instructions and then said, simply, "You have arrived". Of course, I thought, we live on the Main Line, I know we've arrived.
The icing on the cake of my weekend was Sam's book. He has a story journal of sorts, that he draws pictures in, and then asks us to write in the story that goes with the pictures as he narrates. So far he's finished chapter five of "The Spider and the Worm", and I've got to say, it's a pretty good read. Silverstein in parts and Joyce in others, but it's a work in progress. This morning, he started chapter six with a drawing of a couple of people playing and had Sara write out the first page. Just to give you a sneak peek, I'll share the beginning of chapter six that I think might be back-cover-of-the-jacket-quote worthy.
"Sam and Riley were playing with their balls, and then they got really tired and went inside for some juice."
I just can't wait to show his girlfriends in high school.

The Wounded And The Whole

It's been a busy sort of month, in case you hadn't noticed by my lack of posts. Not a constantly working sort of thing, but more of a can't seem to catch up sort of thing, which is good in a way. This past weekend though, we just sort of putzed around...

First of all, we had a long overdue garage sale, which are always fun. In case you haven't seen our attic, we have an impressive amount of crap... and I don't mean "wow, you have a lot of stuff up here" amount of crap, I mean a Collyer brothers amount of crap. You could grease yourself up, dive into a pile, and find yourself in a Plymouth Valiant... or perhaps in the living room of a smaller family that set up shop in one of the mounds... Anyway, we scraped off the top layer of one of the piles and carried it down to our front lawn on Saturday morning, and when all was said and done we'd made a couple hundred bucks, and I only had to carry up half of the stuff I brought down... plus, I discovered two things -

1. My kids are natural salespeople. "Customers!" they would whisper to each other every time someone walked down the road, and then they would start their pitch. "Are we selling these books dad?" Sam would say, "These are good ones, especially the gorilla one, remember that one Lily?" and she would chime in from the background, "Oh yeah, those are good..." and the dance would begin. "Have you seen this rocking horse, mister? I used to love this..." Worked like a charm, I tell ya. Fools and their money...

2. People are crazy. Case and point - the forty something year old guy that came as soon as we opened and zeroed in on a cardboard box filled with black and red balloons, some paper Chinese fans and lanterns, little containers of bubbles with Chinese lettering on them, and some new Chinese take-out containers. "Is all this being sold together?" he said, "Well sure", I answered, "it's Chinese New Year in a box" (Sara's name for it, can't take credit...).

... and four dollars later, he was happily strolling away completely prepared for an exceedingly lame Chinese New Year party eight months early.

Next up, a white van from some plumbing company pulls up, and an unshaven wifebeater-wearing plumber (I assume) hops out and starts foraging through the box of kid books.

"Any Curious George?" he says, "No", I answer, "we had a few in there, but someone just came and scooped them all up."

"That's a drag. I'm really into Curious George right now."

Luckily, my inner salesman managed to stop the "what the fuck?" that was on the tip of my tongue, and instead went with "You might want to try Eric Carle, he's a pretty good read..."

Armed with our new-found wealth, we saddled up the kids and went to the Devon Horse Show on Sunday, and immediately felt like some of the poorest people on the planet. There's lots to do there, so we didn't need to know anything about horses (or even watch the show for more than two minutes), but did learn one thing... The amount of money you have is directly proportional to the size of your hat. We didn't even have any hats, and there were people there who had extra chairs in case the weight of their hats became unbearable... some big hats, is all I'm saying.

Since then, I've just been staring at Sam's pre-k graduation picture. Up until we got it, I wasn't paying much attention to the whole graduation thing - because really, he's just moving on to kindergarten - but since we got the pictures back, I'm pretty freaked out. Every time I look at it I see him confident, happy, ready to move on... and every time I see it I just feel old... crap...

Oh, by the way, I scanned this picture into the computer through my printer... looks pretty good, doesn't it?

The Watermelon Code

Another year has rolled by, and another art show gave me the chance to screw around a bit. Last year was the pirate ship, which I couldn't see doing again lest people start to wonder if I was just a one trick pony. For the life of me, though, I couldn't figure out what to do. I spent a few days cooking with a garnishing & fruit carving book sprawled out in front of me, turning the pages when I had a free hand. Nothing really caught my fancy though, and the night before the show I was eating dinner in front of a watermelon... a plain, uncarved melon, just sitting there... mocking me. Anyway, long story short, I realized that I was only thinking of some sort of sculpture type thing, and had completely ignored the obvious. Why whack apart a perfectly good melon?

I thought of Picasso's "The Dream" first for some odd reason, but when I looked up a picture for reference, I scrapped that idea pretty quickly... plus, I thought it might be a better idea to go with something that everyone would know. By eleven that night I was putting on the finishing touches and shaking out my hand cramps from holding onto my little Global bird's beak peeler like grim death.

I figured out that what I like most about this sort of thing is the fear. Halfway through, there's no telling what it'll look like - could be something great, could be a big piece of scratched fruit. It's the same thing with catering, but on a smaller scale. I did an auction last week that was a solid week of prep, and the day of the event was fifteen hours of ten people in constant motion. Halfway through that too, you can never tell exactly what will happen. A hundred things to do, and every time I give someone a job I have to reorganize and re-prioritize the list in my head so that everything can get done when and as it should... and there is always a brief moment of sheer panic about three hours before start time when everything falls to pieces in my head... which, oddly enough, seems to coincide with the time when I usually start getting pissed at everyone who isn't moving fast enough. With a watermelon, there's still the fear, but I always figure if it gets really screwed up, I'll just eat it.

Anyway, without further ado, some crummy pictures of a juicy and delicious Mona Lisa.